Spirits...

1st day of Fifth Hand of the Month of Kavars (12) in the year 10,158 CA:


I stand on the deck of the serpent ship that glides gracefully over the currents of the Thassa, I close my eyes and hold my arms out and for once I feel like I am flying solo. So free to breathe deeply the cool air that stings my lungs.

I hear in the distance the sounds that call me, the spirits that lurk, the truth of my blood lines, what makes the soul of me... where my fire comes from...

Finally my heart and mind are both open to listen to them and heed their call.

So come spirit guide... come to a lost soul and give flight to the bird that for to long has been in a gilded cage, captivity has taken its toll. The lost eyes of one that drift in my mind, her voice lingers in my heart, I remember the song, her last song to the infant daughter, the smell of her hair, the warmth of the day, the swaddling blanket that kept me safe from the harsh world...

No longer am I so guarded, now the wool has been lifted, the veil of innocence pierced and I have become jaded to the wonders of the world. No longer does the fire rise in my eyes with just the lift of the winds, no longer does my heart race with a wild beat of a herd of wild kaiila, now it remains steady, still, boring as the bland gray I see the world in...

Where are my colors again, give me thy paint brush and let the erotic colors of the world enthrall me once again... where are my lost visions, guidance, I truly need some... my heart longs for one thing, my soul torn asunder, my mind reining in my passions to keep logic and humility at the cusp... nothing about this life makes sense any longer.

I drift with no cause or purpose any longer... do I still have the healing touch I always carried with me, can I dance the intimate dance with death... oh yes... Death I know you linger, your cold breath upon the back of my neck, as you try to lure me, try and seduce me to your wicked and dark ways. I know the tango in which we dance, the intimate dance you and I share... the dance I refuse to let you lead... the war in which you place in my hands... the blood that stains my memories, the torture that I my self have had to endure to ensure another life was kept from your talons... oh the cold touch of death is so very bone chilling... but have you not been scorned and burned by the Siren's touch...

Death... tonight you will not get to sink your talons into me... tonight you do not get to take me from this world... Once I wished for death, for it would be easier... but let you win... never. I will fight with my very last breath to remain as I am...

From the depths of the murky water I will rise like the Phoenix and again all will be left to catch their breath in awe...

Do not worry for me... I will be all right on my own... it hurt like the pain of a thousand daggers to my heart... and it will hurt worse as it heals, but heal it will... and the pain of a love that scorched my heart wont have the power to drawn me to my knees in an agonizing pain that ripped the screams from my very soul... I will find reasons to dream again. Reasons to hope again... I thought I would never make it past... but I will never doubt my own strength...

Death... Love... War... all are so close... to entwined and so seductive to a passionate woman... my obsession's... my desires... my dreams... tightly do they weave into the very fabric of my life... forever will he pull upon the beat of my heart, drawing me near with the ache that only he can quench... however, I cannot let the addiction continue... I must severe the vein that runs with the poison of love... I must purge my self of it... the war is with in my heart, the death of something that was so untouchable, so pure... so darkly obsessive and possessive... it tore my heart to pieces, and yet it too was the one that healed it... brought the tears of every beautiful human emotion and too drew them away from my cheeks... with a kiss that could kill or set to flight... a touch that could freeze or set aflame...

Can a love like that die... it surly must... for I have felt the bitter cold of Love's pain... and I alone will bare the burden of it... I alone will shoulder the pain that has the power to destroy me, to cripple me, bring me to my weakest point and leave me to my own torturous mind and unforgiving and unyielding love... to know it alone and to take into me all the pain that it has endured and anew find my breath of air....

Where is the breath in my lungs... where is the reason for the beat of my heart, the reason for the passions fire in my soul... where is the hope to dream and the visions to guide...

Great spirits I beg of thee to guide me, conduct your magic and bring me forth to the lands that will give me my strengths once again... lead me into battle with you as my shield and sword... give me the strength to fight and endure what is to come... another chapter another journey in this world...

Little moment

The night creeps and the darkness swallows whole any form of light that was once there... the braziers have been tipped over, the red hot coals are now black ash... nothing, not even a plume of smoke lingers.

I can still feel the heat in my flesh, the burn in my veins, the lightening in my heart, and yet it all grows dim, it all grows dark around me. The rise of the hairs at the back of my neck, that sixth sense that makes you stand on edge, look over your shoulder, question every sound and every shadow that lingers.

In my mind the battle rages, in my heart the bleeding and the anguish lingers. I feel so empty inside, so lost. Like the tempest just faded... the lights of the new dawn do not even thrill me, they do not hold me captive as they once did. It died... or has it?

Is it too late, as the sun finally set upon my heart and its love that burns like a brand, the pain that lingers is like a poison that consumes and strangles, steals my very life's breath and tears my soul at the seams.

The night continues to linger with all of its haunting memories, the sounds that loom, are they real or are they memories of a distant time where everything made sense, and everything was real... has the memory become the reality, or has my reality become my nightmare... will my heart close out love as love has said no to me... love turned me away with the harshest of licks to my flesh like the kiss of a whip I was brought to my weakness, to my darkest fears...

Into the night I ran, into the night I was cast out... oh lingering pain will you give me rest, give me a moments of peace...

Where is my hope... where is my Rarius that will come in and save the Siren, that will allow her call to consume him and fill his heart, place her own brand there and for eternity she will linger...

Where has he gone, will his arms never wrap around me again, in throws of passion and ecstasy or even in the need of comfort, and protection... will his shield and sword never protect me again... will I never look into those eyes and eclipse mine and see right through me?

In the night, you came, like the thief you are... you hid behind my chamber doors and saw something far more rare than any coin value of gems or items... you saw the glimmer, the fire, the spark, you felt in the kiss, and so yielding did the set of lips become against yours.

Fingers slip into your hair and breathe you in, fear rises up, it pricks the vein and the poison seeps again, races and courses through my body, the black inky shadows fill my mind, suffocate my heart, fear to trust again, fear to love, can I... should I... will you?

Your hand over my heart, under your axe do I find protection, in yours hands lay a most fragile and precious gift, will you be the one to crush it to its final death, or will you breathe into it a life, into it the hope... can you mend the broken heart, can you ignite the tempest, the fiery passion, the creature that will steal the breath of the room with a look?

Oh confusion, you dance with me so close, in that intimate embrace that has me tumbling from grace and losing my balance... you rob me of my sense of right and wrong, of my clarity that is rightfully mine... Oh love of old, why do you haunt me and burn me with such intense fires? Can I have no peace, can I have no nights where your eyes do not haunt, where I do not ache and need, where my heart does not falter just a little with the simple memory of you...

Begone from my mind, be gone from my soul, leave me in peace, do not haunt me any longer...oh but such vanity I embrace, thinking my love for you will ever become empty... will ever leave and never torment my very life... Eternity is not long at all... but the pain of eternity however is... and that is what lingers now... that is what dwells deep with in the bosom of a woman... that is the thunder that chases the lightening, that is the smoke plumes from the fires...

Perhaps... one day... I will be able to love you and not hurt, to remember and not cry, to feel and not scream... perhaps one day I will know what it is like to have my peace again... please Odin, let the ice of your lands heal my wounds... they bleed so fierce... allow me the serenity of your lands, let it be my sanctuary where none can hurt me again... protect my heart and bind it in the frozen chains of chastity, never to be plucked and allowed to wither and die...

Imaginary

Oh, paper flowers
Oh, paper flowers

I linger in the doorway
Of alarm clock screaming
Monsters calling my name
Let me stay
Where the wind will whisper to me
Where the raindrops, as they’re falling, tell a story

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)
I lay inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)

Don’t say I’m out of touch
With this rampant chaos - your reality
I know well what lies beyond my sleeping refuge
The nightmare I built my own world to escape

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)
I lay inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)

Swallowed up in the sound of my screaming
Cannot cease for the fear of silent nights
Oh, how I long for the deep sleep dreaming
The goddess of imaginary light

In my field of paper flowers
And candy clouds of lullaby (flowers)
I lay inside myself for hours
And watch my purple sky fly over me (flowers)

(Paper flowers)

Slipping under...

The whispering winds come to grace me again, to my sleep they speak to my heart and soul. The air grows colder, I feel the ice crystallize around my heart, the healing bleeds without end. The pain is purging. My mind is comfortably number, and yet the silent screams echo through the night like daggers to the flesh.

I feel the talons of reality slip in and bite into my skin, so harsh is it. It refuses to release me, held captive in those talons that sends my crimson life's blood onto the floor, the aches grow, the tears spill with their cyanide abilities. Burning my flesh, leaving scars upon my cheeks.

How cruel this world truly is, how uncertain everything is. Perhaps I have not felt the kiss of real love, perhaps I have not felt the touch of a love that burns without end, that will never draw a shadow of doubt or second thought. No hesitation, the love that is all consuming and self sacrificing. Perhaps my true love is still out there, perhaps I just had a glimmer in the dark, an eternal flame that I will never apologize for, I will never cover and smite. I will never look down upon, the pain, the love the memories that linger forever, the sirens call that echos through my heart that brings so much with it.

Slowly I feel the drift of the Thassa under the belly of the ship, carrying me home, carrying me back to the lands that still long for me. With arms wide open they will embrace me, the ice and fresh snow is my rebirth. I feel my self slipping under the spell that is the north. That is Odin's land. Your daughter is returning home, too long has she been gone, to long the southern ways have plague me, they robbed me of my icy fire, they stole from me what made me Lorelei...

Your enchanting spell comes over me, into my dreams I slip. My mother watches over me, her spirit guides me to a better place and time... peace will be mine. No longer will I hold my breath and pray it will be me... I know better now. I know that my love is one side, the forever kind of love, that held no hesitation, held no doubt or second thought... Perhaps I am the easier one to purge, the easier one to cast aside like wet news print... and that is all right.

I had two beautiful sons from my womb, and helped raised Garrick as well. I would not trade all our nights together, I would not trade the bad or the good, but I wont stay where I am not the one that holds all his heart. I will go to where I am wanted, where i am needed. Where I can heal and I can become that dark desire again, that fire, the Icy Trovland beauty that stole the breath of all that she ever came in contact with. I will never fall to the poison laced dagger of love again. I will never give my self over to that web of chains again. I refuse to sink to the bottom of the Thassa and then to be said I had a moment of weakness.

I will prevail, I will come out on the top. No one will have that kind of power over me again... not ever.

Cast Away

Helpless... humiliated... ashamed... these are but a few of the emotions I am feeling right now. Told to leave my very home, losing my villa, my place within my home stone's caste, my sons... Odin's beard, my heart bleeds openly for my sons.

Feeling the turbulent rock of the sea under the ship, the distant sound of the drums as the rowers pull us through, the change when the men are pulled in and the sails go up. Even the calm of the Thassa has nothing to offer my aching heart.

In silence I now dwell, there is nothing for me to say, no comfort my kin can bring me, no comfort comes from Calico either. Silence is my constant companion, I refuse to speak, I refuse to face it right now.

Land is in the distance, and there is Erra, she will understand and she will be the only one I speak to. She will understand me where no one else will.

I left in silence, but I want to tear him apart limb from limb. But I refuse to allow anger to win, I refuse to let anything rise up. I wish to be comfortably numb, and blissfully absent.

I gave up my chair in the Gor caste, I am nothing to anyone any more. I am just me... Lorelei... no ones Tempest, no ones love, no ones physician, just a woman wounded and injured. Disappearing from the world's eyes.

Crimson Twilight

Father, Love, Honor... I must choose...

When I would rather take a long walk off of a short pier and feel the cold waters steal my last breath.

Confusion sets in.

My heart aches.

My eyes burn with the tears I shed each night.

My mind haunts me

Memories that take me to a time and place that seems so
They feel unreal... and yet they are the comforts in the nights haunting twilight.
Peace will not be had.
Death will be far to easy.
Life is what I choose.
I choose me...
ME above all else.

The night is streaked with the blood that stains my hands.
The blood that runs rich in my heart.
The pain.
The passion.
The sorrow.
The love unsowed.
The simple mustard seed.
Tears streak the cheeks like a lovers caress.
Silence is her loudest plea.


If I were to just vanish into the night, would any notice?
If I were no longer there, would they still hurt?
If I ceased to exist, would any shed a tear?
I would hope not.
No tears to be shed.
Laughter and light to be shared.
Tomorrow brings the promise of more hurt to be rendered.
More pain to burden.
More choices to make a folly.
More obstacles that will crush.

My heart is weary, my mind amok, my soul in darkness.
When will my clarity come to rescue me?
Nothing seems real.
More like the lone road to trod upon.
Not even a shadow to bring the comfort.
No medicine to heal the hurt.
Alone;
Do I carry inside of me,
a love that will live past my mortal flesh and breath.
A love that will not release me from its chains;
The bond that will not die.

Forever,
Is not long at all.
The past is but a moment ago.
Present is surreal.
The future, dark and uncharted.
Forever...
Are the stars in the sky.

Lost..

The snap and groan of the wood, the thunder, the sound of the waves tearing the ship at the joints, the sounds of the crew. Fear did not have the chance to tickle before the sweet delirium of nothing swept over...

Lost at sea....

The dreams hit again. The nightmares of that one fateful night that seems to be a burning fear. Death by drowning. How odd, to think of a death that did not come to pass. Just the near happenings of such a fate. Why my mind drifts I do not know.

I feel lost at sea.