Breathe deep of me...

An art of illusion can be more over powering than anything ever could. The picture of a woman gliding over the ground, dark robes consuming her figure, a hood hiding all her features, and only her crystalline voice, that sirens call that beckons to the soul that is her counter. The one that completes her utterly in more ways that she dare ever express.

The prey comes to the hunter... she provokes him, in her own dark mysterious way. Knowing the smallest of details that will bring forth just the reaction she wants from her hunter... and he ensnared his most sought after prey.

She did not dare give in easy this time. A short public courtship will have nothing on the dance between hunter and prey that has lingered over time and distance. It has not in any way diminished their pull to one another. Those soul piercing eyes that ensnare in a dark obsession. A dark desire.

Oh she is every bit that dark desire, that unquenchable thirst that lingers in the back of the throat. Be it anger, be it hate, be it lust, or love. Be it soft and sensual, be it raw and fierce, the pull is there. It burns in sets of eyes that twin and mirror one another. Strength and sensuality commingle until its more addicting than any drug. Neither can get enough to state their addiction, their craving. Seeking for that next high.

Under moonbeams they found one another again, his prize, his tempest, his silent strength. Forever her heart remained loyal and true. Always there for him, always within his grasp, in his sights. And once the wool was lifted it was she that stood there surrounded by the mist. In silence she called to him. She was never forward in her advances to him. It was in a mystic that so few hold.

Her hold is one that will never let go. Her heart is more his than he will ever understand. Will ever know, even understand. She meant it when she said forever. When she fell in love with her tarnsman she gave over more of her self than she ever realized.

The words of Calico will always echo in her mind, how right her slave was. Her heart never did close, it was always open to love, his love. And would wait, did wait. She knew deep in the dark hidden web of her heart that he would come back to her.

Breathe in deep of her, drink even more. Touch and feel, hear and listen, crave and love. Need her and not be ashamed of it. Be open about it. Be what they have always been, the Tarnsman and Tempest, the Hunter and Prey. Their tango is one that may never end. No matter the odds that life throws, some how, some way, love made a way. Gave them the chance they needed.

Did she know of the others, she did, and never said a word. She knew that he would have to make a choice all on his own. And know that she would never become second again. He would choose her or lose her. It was the cusp she plainly put out there. Choose her and love her, or let her go forever more. And it was not an easy choice to put one in, but there was a part of her that needed to see him in such a struggle. Needed to see just where his heart rested.

Did the tempest really hold her tarnsman's heart, or was it lip service. Was she the one that he craved to have near him. Could he really not live this life with out her touch, with out her perfume lingering upon him when he rose the next morning, be without her voice that lingered in the halls, her haunting visage moving with grace and elegance in the halls, that could make him weak in the knees and hot with desire with but a look and movement of her head. Exposing the vital woman she was. Exposing the hidden passions that boiled in her own blood.

Would he come to steal more moments with her, make her his. Make her more than just a tittle, but utterly make her his by giving over his heart. Putting it in her hands this time with trust. Opening more to him, she is fully ready to love him. To die for her Home Stone, to die for love if it calls for her sacrifice.

He now knows more than he ever did, has that opened his eyes to what she was willing to give up for him. She might not have towed the line so openly, but in her own way she was thrilling and far more than those that were between their fall and rise once again?

She believes now, that he has truly seen what was always there before him. Always hungered for him, yearned for him, pleaded for him to see.

So they start anew, all past mistakes are forgiven, love has been given another chance. Be it but a few moons or many, they will rise and love will always win.

So breathe deep of me... and consume me. I am yours... forever.

Soulmate.

Some say that inside every gorean woman there is a free companion and a slave. A free companion seeks her companion, a slave her Master.

I know now without a shred of doubt that I sought out my other half. The one that would complete me. Be him companion or master, I sought without searching. And yet he found me. Crashing into one another nearly four years ago.

Time has brought us together and events have torn us apart. And yet through the maelstrom we found one another. Love battled and waged a silent war. Fought against all odds to bring them together again.

Completing the circle. He is my other half, my mate, my companion. My love and soul mate. He completes me. My light in a darkness, my reason to live once again. The breath to give hope life. He was the one that brought the tempest to the light.

He provoked her, then he consumed her. He is my fierce hunter, my tarnsman, the Ubar of my heart. I am his tempest, his lei, his sought after prey. His woman and lover. Through the dark murky waters he swam. He moved mountains. Answered the call, the ante was raised and he... he alone was the one to rise to it.

The challenge that was set forth for him alone. He was the only one that had what I needed. What I demanded.

The prey has returned to her hunter, he did not take no for an answer. He never did. And I did not give in so easily this time. He crossed the Thassa for me, he risked my Uncles wrath to seek me out. He came to me under the cloak of darkness.

I am the dagger to his heart, I will open that vein that he has tried to seal off. Out will pour the love he has for me. Cleansing his heart of all that has taken root there. It will be I that stands there, holding the key. With my larl ate the herlit smile upon my lips.

His Lady of the mists I will walk the halls of the estate again. His eyes will be drawn to me. In the night, under the light of the moons the lovers will dance again. Drinking in their ecstasy. Relishing in their love.

The tempest has returned home. She has come to claim what is rightfully hers. And the tarnsman has laid in wait long enough for the return of what is his. She was made for him in many ways. Together their chemistry is like lightening in a jar. Its electric when they touch, stopping the world when they are near.

Let them look on in envy, in spite, in jealousy, in hate... She will never be another's.

May death be the only thing to take them from one another on this physical plane. For my heart will never again be fooled. It will never again be tricked.

This time I will not let a slut in robes pull the wool over my eyes, leeching a poison into my heart to cloud the love for my home stone. Adding that nagging sense of self doubt to win over. I am a strong gorean woman, a proud lady of Cos, I am a Landau physician, I am his tempest. His match. I live for Cos, my Sons, Caste and our love. They are the vital parts of who I am.

My chemical make up is simple, he makes me alive. Is the quickening in my veins, the soothing beat of my heart, the labored breathing and undeniable sounds of utter love and blind faith.

He alone sees me as no other has or will. In his arms I am a complete woman. I give my self without logic to him, give over to the crushing love that is all consuming. And yet hold the strength and resolve not to belittle my self, to always remain the strong, determined, vital, seductive free woman.

With my eyes I have brought lesser men to their knees. They want me and I do not see them. None can compare to him, they never could. Let them call him what they will, let them try and take me to my knees. They will be met with a defiance and determination and steel that will catch them off guard.

Do not dare tempt the Ost of the north. The gale force winds that rest inside of her soul will tear you apart and leave you for sleen fodder. You are nothing in her eyes. No woman can compare to her, none ever could. They might play a pretty act, but in the end who is left standing and who is made the fool.

Oh how wicked the fates are. Odin have mercy on those that try to retaliate against the duo, for they will have none. If those that call them selves Cosian have honor they will not dare. But those that do attempt the suicidal path, they should be ashamed.

The northern tempest and the fierce tarnsman...

Bleeding heart...

Sometimes it takes but a look to know when a woman is in love, and yet in that glance she is also hidden in the fog. A mystery that shrouds her. It makes her far more interesting, what has caused that woman to open her heart in such a manner to one. What is it that slipped in through the veil, tearing down the walls to reach in and seize a heart.

With a dagger he cuts the vein and she bleeds, a sweet crimson red that will engulf. It is an addictive poison that brings the seeker to return time and again to drink in full of that love. To nearly bathe his senses in the depths of a woman in love. To feel that vital essence from her, as she gives her self over. Such a dangerous battle field, love, it is cunning, like a fox; coy and alluring, seductive, tempting, just begging for you to drink of it.

Love is a Pandora's box. Once open the pains and darkness that it is fills the room. It will either give life or steal it. Bring joys or terrorizing pains. The eyes of one that is in love can be a haunting nightmare, or silent strength. Love will not sit in the background. It will not stay in silence, it will not stay still. Its like an oracles dance, a gypsy muse, Love has many dimension to it.

What strength does she who submits her self to that kind of love. How does she bask with in it and not become swallowed. Where is the light in the darkness that surrounds her, it is he who has won the love. Through distance, through controversies, through pains, the sorrows, the joys, the ecstasy, the thrills and chills. Blood and daggers, it is he who stands there with eyes that will pierce your very soul. Tear at the fabric of your being, he is your anchor and you are his sweetest poison.

He will do anything to drink of that poison again. Feel the flesh of the one that surrenders to it, how she trembles with a touch, how she aches for it again. Crying out in pleasures. Moving with that mystical grace of a lynx. Hypnotizing you, memorizing you. Oh how tantalizing she becomes, even the scent of her perfume will pull you. The exotic roll of her voice as it slips out like ribbon over the shell of your ear. She become the purification, driving out the Hiths venom, the dark vengeance of the past. Cleansing the heart and soul with all that she gives.

Igniting the tempest with in her, bringing her to life. She will steal your breath and yet give it right back. Cause your heart to race and yet soothe you as well. She will become your vixen and goddess.

It takes a great strength to love one man, to love a true gorean man and yet remain of iron will to stand at his side. Become the tempest in the private moments and yet possess the fierceness to remain the epitome of a free woman. To love him enough to walk away. Love him utterly without fail even when apart. To forever remain his.

May I be the purification he deserves.

Quote

"To live is to love, to love is to have passion divine"

New dawn...

Truly, I am unsure of how it all happened. It was one small brief connection of eyes across the distance, and then the meeting to gain my pardon. As time went on, we found our selves running into one another more often than not. Spending time with our children together and the warm embrace I found my self in with him near.

But, in between it all there was several profound events, he had his two loves after me, one utterly tore him to pieces with her poison that she leeched into his heart and then her black heart turned against him, their daughter and home stone. As the time continued his hith broke his heart. She a karian wench...

Something happened... I do not understand it and I do not know how it did. But from the night at Fehu Isa to now we found one another. Our hearts found one another, on one side of I coin I did in fact feel like the last choice the last resort, and yet I do not feel such. I feel it in his kiss, his touch, his gaze. He, my tarnsman, stalks his prey once again.

Will my Uncle agree, I do not know and do not pretend to know. Is there fear in my heart, no. I do know that many will protest, many will not understand how it is that I am still in love with him. That I still choose to be with him, but as the saying goes, shame on him for fooling me once, shame on me if I let him do it again.

We promise nothing but that we will love one another. And he promises not to take another free woman to his furs. Life has never been easy for either one of us. I do know that children are not the driving force in this joining. We both have our fair share of children, and IF... we choose that can happen at a much later date. If we make it past one year, I will consider it. If my heart continues to hold out.

But this time is different, feels the same, but yet there is something different. It is not ashamed of sharing intimate moments with me in public. Its just a comfort, and it was the last thing I expected. It just snuck up and bit me in the ass.

I never expect he and I to join again. Perhaps be a comfort or a lover on an occasion but never did I think he would take me as his companion again. Time will tell how this will play out.

Many unanswered questions, and some will not gain answers for some time.

My only fear is that Therise will return, he will leave me and will return to her. And should that happen, I fear it would be the one thing to kill my heart. Kill my love. It may not happen, but honestly I do not put it past her to try and woe him away from me. She has that kind of sway that kind of something about her.

No, I do not take many risks if any at all. I am play by the rule Landau. It was how I was raised. I was not allowed much room to go off and do as I wish. I do not poison for fun, I do not get people ship off to the block or murdered. I am physician and as such have this odd sense of respect for the living.

My heart is what it is. Fuck them.

Second chance...

The Tarnsman is courting the Tempest once again.

No promises this will be an easy road.

No promises they will make it past a year.

But a promise to love one another without hindrance.

Will this duo weather the storm together once again.

Shared intimacy in a new light.

The beauty of human emotions they have pained together.

With faith this time she places her hand in his.

Knowing it will not be easy,

but adversity will not be her undoing this time.

With eyes wide open they together walk the road.

Not often does fate allow two star crossed lovers another chance.

Make the world envious around them.
Oh how they will hate, spit, rally against, protest...

But two hearts do not listen,

they have not yet.

Again the stolen nights are theirs.

Will she again be his consuming Tempest,

The Ubara that holds the same mystical air about her.

Through the mist she walks, with a strength,

a confidence, a resolve,

unlike before.

His talons hold her heart in a gilded cage,

He steals her breath.

Guilty pleasures.

All she asked was that he love her.

Miss You

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
So far away from where you are
Standing underneath the stars
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I feel the beating of your heart I
see the shadows of your face
Just know that wherever you are
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

I miss the years that were erased
I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face
I miss all the little things
I never thought that they’d mean everything to me
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

So far away from where you are
These miles have torn us worlds apart
And I miss you
Yeah, I miss you
And I wish you were here

Intimate moments...

Intimate moments, precious moments, do not have to take place behind closed doors or away from others. Some times the ones we cherish, the ones we covet more are the ones that we let the world see. They may not understand what is going on between them, the two know.

The cafe last night reminded me how much I missed things, how right it felt to be there with Lucien. Sharing a meal, sharing wine, looks, the conversation. The small notions that he and I know the deep more profound meaning to them.

He was his same shameless self but he did say I could take ALL the children to the cottage and spend a few days with them. I miss them all so much. I miss everything about my life the way it was. Last night felt to right, felt to comfortable. As if nothing, no time, no hate, no nothing passed between he and i and we were together again. I know it was my own romantic airs that lead me to enjoy the night on the cafe balcony, but I heard it in his voice. I saw it in his gestures. More importantly I saw it in his eyes.

He actually was flirting, which by now I have learned how he does it. I still cannot fathom it what so ever. But Calico has taught me much, how to ensnare with my eyes and captivate. I miss him so much. I miss walking into a room with him, standing at his side. Being with him, leaning on him and he me. I miss it all.

From the estates, to our stolen moments. To working late in the clinic and there he would be. To massage away the tensions from my shoulders, urge me to take a break from working, and give him more time. I more than anything miss being his companion. But I wont fool my self, I know its more than likely never to happen again. But, there is that small seed of hope I cannot banish.

I know it will be moons before I am ready to even consider it again, my heart leaps before me many times. But this time my head is keeping me in check. I know he has others, I know he has a greater love than me. However he still comes to me, he still seeks me out. He still claims me as his lady, his love, his tempest, his Lei. And I gave him my heart.

And he knows it, but I think he knows how rare and precious it is now. He has lost it twice, will his risk losing it again. Risk seeing the end of his tempest. He knows I have the strength to walk away, even if my heart will never leave, I have the strength to walk away. I will not have it pressed into my face I am second. Not ever again, twice it has happened with him, and then before with my first companion and with that one I lost him and our daughter.

The smallest of intimacies with Lucien mean the world to me. Even tonight at the HC meeting, he paused by the door and was a cad... asked if I wanted to do it on the table... I said yes. He and I have made love all over the estates, my villa, cos, fehu isa... we enjoy the thrill and adventure. But his kiss, oh his kiss, set my soul on fire.

Calico taught me a few tricks... perhaps I can lure the Tarnsman to the tempest... and sparks are sure to fly.

Virtue or Sin

In the darkest of ahns it seems when at last there is a moment of peace. Its brief, like a whisper. Its enchanting to lose your self in such a moment and there breathe and be. Its not always there. At times we seek but yet do not see. We listen but we do not hear. Touch and never feel. How odd it is to go through this life without experiencing anything at all.

How at times in our lives we simple just exist and do not live. In order to survive... what must we do? More questions that seem yet again to not have an answer. Or perhaps the answer is right there before me and I refuse to see it.

We may never like what we hear, and yet we must listen to it. In turn must have realities we would rather not. To be come stronger in order to endure what lies ahead of us. How can we possibly do what we need to if we are closed off, you say no to life you are doing nothing but snuffing out the candle.

And yet when it comes to be you want to hide rather than fight, let go instead of stand your ground. I know I am guilty of such, letting go to avoid the pain of a far more crushing truth. To face the fact I could not be the one, that yet again someone came above me, before me, held something I could not. And yet now I stand, ready to fight, and wonder, Am I too late?

Has my time already passed. I feel like I am walking through the orchards of life with no candle, no moon light, no ray of the Lar Torvis to guide me. Nothing but raw instincts to lead me. And yet do they lead me astray or is that the minds own prison and limited notions that are holding me and keeping me back? Do I seek in vain?

Will there never be a single one answer that will lift the burdens from me? No I do not think so. And yet the challenges that are there before me, make me strive to become more to be more. To Master my own domain.

Standing on my own again, time will open windows and doors. I just have to have the open mind and heart to see them. It is never over until its over... perhaps somethings really can transcend time and space. I hope my will has the strength to endure what is to come. What ever it may be, it will be.

He asked me if Ard made me forget him, and there is not a moment of the day that I do not find my self either reminded of him or thinking of him. Missing him and hoping. Its foolish in many ways. But I cannot help it. You are not suppose to help who you love, the heart does not distinguish between it. You love who you love and if it be true its one thing that wont stop. No matter the lengths in which we go.

My tarnsman's talons hold my heart in a steel shod cage. For better or for worse. And until he releases it, I could never possibly give my self to another. And that alone leaves me at a dangerous edge. Reckless... precarious... and yet... dark and bleak. For one step one way or another could be a down fall. But some by virtue fall, some by sin rise. Which will be mine. Virtue or sin?

Entrapment

In these past days I have had time to my self. Which is exactly what my Uncle had suggested that I take.

I have found my self time and again asking many questions and yet there never seem to be answers to said questions, but these still sit in my heart, moving like an ink drop in water. Erratic patterns and no set course, freedom in their movements, beauty in what spurred the questions to the conscious mind. What had dwell under the surface for so long.

Things that self imposed chains could not hold back, denial only made them stronger, only made the heart yearn, only made the body quake and tremble with the slightest of triggers to those memories. Smells, sounds, sights, touch, taste all the senses were acutely aware, the longer they were denied the more they hungered. They are not satisfied so easily with a mere sampling of what they want. Of what I crave and need as if it was my breath.

Like coming from the depths of the Thassa, and for a moment breaking the surface with my first breath of air and feeling the warmth of the Lar Torvis. An odd sense of serenity and peace comes over me. I realize that I do not wish for someone that could make me happy always, what I want, what I n e e d is someone that can be there through the dark times, through the bad times. Someone that will hold their shield in front of me, embrace me, spear at the ready to battle what ever may come with me there with them. Beside them every step of the way.

I cannot give, I cannot commit without being allowed in, fully in. Being the one that they come to in their time of need, in their times of grief, I need to be the one they seek solace in when times are bleak and yet relish and cherish those moments of pure golden happiness that, sadly, these days are so rare it seems that the small colors of this world are fading. No artist to paint the black and white canvas. But within the torrent of grey, black and white is the tempest that brews and with her the colors are brought to life in a odd sense of way. With that linger nightmarish twinge to it, the colors start out dark but vibrant. Fierce just like the storm, and in the small breaks the colors that are paint around are enough to steal your breath, as captivating as that is, her eyes will steal your soul and never release it.

An odd magnetism about her, draw to her, crave, want to possess her, and be possessive of her. She has that about her, in her times of fear she pulls away. She too has fears and weaknesses, for at the heart of her is a real woman. And she is precious and delicate, fragile even. No matter the strength she holds in her own realm, there are real emotions that are kept hidden. Ice crystals could be formed in her stare.

Instead of seeking answers to the questions I might have, I should allow my heart to find and feel her own answers, without having to know the answers. Hesitant I still am for there is always that possibility that I could be second choice again. And that is no ones fault but my own. In the night he comes, physically to hold me in his arms or within the embraces of my dreams. He is the one that fights the silent screams that echo in my mind. Where the fears come to play, where the nightmares relive them selves.

After speaking of the events that left my body scarred the fears left the cold chill of mortality alone my spine, like ice racing down it. My heart clenched and anxiety settled in. It was the first I ever spoke of such even in even that scant of detail to a soul. Calico and Jonas knew for the treated me for the injuries that were near life threatening. But they could never get me to speak about it. Like the loss of my daughter. This is only one of the few times I have even written about it, speaking about it only causes me to shut down, to break down. It appears I have the habit of shutting things out and refusing to deal with them until its to late. And now the mourning period is catching up to me and that is why now I seek the comforts of my cottage.

A small retreat that Lucien had built for me two envars ago. And now its where I have come to hide, to recover and recoup. Only he and my uncle even know where it is. And that is all that need to know. I am safe here and the solitude is what I needed. Although at times I have wished that he would stay longer. Hold me longer, love me longer, need me more. But Cos, our beloved home stone that will always be held before all else, needs him more than a mere woman does. And to that I will always yield and step away. I know well the love for my home stone, for I was willing to risk my life, my freedom, my everything in order to return to her. To put my own personal feelings aside and prove that in my heart I was a Cosian woman, the blood of the fierce Landau clan of the north might race through my veins making a hot blooded woman, with passions that scare, that excite, the zest and lust for life that is awe striking, and a darker mystery and seems to elude like a prey. But there is but one hunter has caught the prey and yet when in his talons the prey surrenders beautifully, but the chase, the hunt, the thrill, is always what they lust for. Other than one another.

To cherish what it is that I get is what I do not. My heart does not expect anything, but lives with in the moment. While when he is gone, my heart still loves him, but I go on as I have, strong and standing alone. I stand at the side of no man, and I do not foreseeing it happening any time soon. I am not ready to go and stand next to another when my heart is forever in love with another. Entrapment..... possibly. One may never know what will become of the Hunter and the Prey. The Tempest and the Tarnsman. I am called many things, Tempest, Ice maiden, ost, the list goes on... but what I long to hear in those precious ahns we steal with one another, is that for that time being I am his... "My Lei" "My Tempest" "My love" "My lady" "Mine... Body and Soul, Mine" As petty as it might be, its something that brings comfort to me. To be so desired to be so loved, to find comfort physically and not feel the guilt or shame of it. To express love in a way that so few even understand. And beyond all, trust has returned. Its shaky at best, and tender and a new bloom in spring, its still vulnerable to the late frost that can again break it, kill and render it a dead seed. But its there.

And the thunder rolls

No storms raged out side my villa this night, no storms swept over Cos leaving destruction in its path. No, no... it raged once again within my Villa. Between two star crossed lovers that through time, distance, space and obstacles have once again found each other.

Their hearts are pulled to one another, they beat faster when the other is near. The slight quickness to the pulse that lies under their flesh. The trembles that start to quake, the building of the fires inside, the lighting strikes and flashes in their eyes when their gaze meets. It does not take long for one or the other to reach out. And that is all it takes.

A small touch and the needs rise inside of them, the desires of times past, of present needs. It has not ceased, it might have been in a shroud of confusion. A shadow might have concealed it by another emotion. But, there is something, something that will not let go. Will never give up on.

Never close your heart to love, you might be surprised who still holds on. Who still feels, who still longs for, desires you. Eyes that seek you out from across a distance. Turning your back only brings misery. You either give in completely, or it will tear you apart like a sea sleen. Limb from limb, you emotional fabric will no longer be held together.

No golden strand of immortality will save it. A spiral pit fall, of confusion and doubt. Fears that plague, love denied is the worst kind of pain one could ever experience. Odin only knows that I tried to push it down, hide it, turn it to hate, turn it to spite, let it linger and fest, trying to manipulate it, destroy it to seek my release.

But, there was none to be hand. In stead I tried to turn my love, the love meant for one and only he, to another and I could not. I snapped like a dry wheat shoot between the talons. My heart was shredded, it bleeds and will not stop. Not a soul understands the why, or even the how. Do I cling to a fantasy love, a small girl crush, the answer is no. I never did, and never have and never will. The love I cling to it a love that no one could understand.

Its an original love, love comes in many different facets that will boggle any mind. You can love many, you can be loved by many. But there is that one, the one that will steal your breath, will test the time, will test the fates, will push the limits. Both of the physical limits, the metaphysical limits. It will put to the test even Odin. It will shred anything you ever conceived to be love, and leave you clueless. You will not understand it, you cannot describe it. It is simply what it is and ultimately just as complex.

Its an enemy no rarius would ever stand a chance again, her battle field has no codes, no limits, nothing to hold her back or rein her in. She is as ruthless as a rouge, an outlaw. As deadly as an expert marksman, as fierce as a tarn on the hunt. Once the talons of true love strike, it will be the death of the heart that fights against her.

Give into the powers of love and learn to endure the pain that comes with it. Even if you only get one night, one single night, or a life time of them. Give it your all, love like it will be the last time your lips will drink in the sweet nectar of the one that returns that love. Touch the essence of the soul captured by the love, listen to the melody of a heart that beats to the song of love. And drown in the eyes that open to the complex, mysterious, beautiful, haunting, terrifying depths of that one...

The tempest grew, the hunter captured his prey, the rogue and the tempest were one for a night. And in that night pure agony, pure love, pure desire, pure lusts, pure... it was pure, nothing was fake. I gave everything for one night... for forever.

I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I do not pretend to think any sort of happy ever after will happen. I do not expect any thing, but I know, I cannot live this life without him, going on everyday never feeling the way I do when I am with him. I will if I must, but it will tear me apart. It will eat away at me, bit by bit. It will never let go, it will never surrender.

Under the extremes of torture the spirit refuses to break, and that is what love is. If it is true, under the most extremes of torture it will never break. It will never change course, it will stay true to it.

For the next several hands I will stay at the cottage, no one knows about it. I need time to clear my head. I need time to adjust. I just need time... my Tarnsman knows my heart, he knows what is there. My uncle has given me the orders to seek my solitude. And that is what I will do.

The power of Love.

Within the powers of love lie the pains of life. Is love immortal, or is it as mortal as we are of the flesh? Can it transcend time truly? Will a heart forever remember the beauty that lies with giving its self so willingly to love? Can love weather the storms to come? Will I be able to stand strong in the storm? I have to ask, is it alone I stand?

I feel him even now, as I sit here and write its almost as if he sits behind him wrapping his arms around me and pulling me into his chest. His breath over my ear, cheek and neck. Feeling that peace of being protected. His voice is my breath of air, his touch my muse.

Across the distance of the world, I still longed for him. I still held him in the depths of my heart. Through the pain, through it all... I need him and I cannot let him go. There is too much that time cannot erase. Nothing time or another can heal. It will be with his hands that I find my sanity once again.

This world is so very harsh and no matter how strong I stand I crumble. He was always with me, even when I had to be the heroin and stand alone. It was the love we held that gave me the support I needed. He could never know that my eyes so drunk with love, was always he love I felt for him.

All I have ever wanted was another chance, either to close the book or to relive it all and form new moment, new memories, new storms. Let the thunder roll, let the lightening strike, bring to lovers together again.

Does the hunter still seek his prey, in the moonbeams does he see his tempest, see her rage and beckon him. Does he see those eyes, those golden jade eyes that fill with a heated molten lava, as the passion flares, the heart races, boiling the blood and make the hairs on the back of the neck stand. Does he feel her breath against his flesh whispering to him, and then slips into the darkness once again for him to seek her out.

Run she never would from her fierce tarnsman, her hunter. The battlefield has been drawn in the game of love. Object of affection, desire, weakness, strength, hope, dreams... the hunt in the night will never cease until he gets what he wants. So come my hunter, and in the darkness seek out your prey, your tempest and ensnare her once again. Chase the storm...

Destiny or peril?

"I am never letting you go my fierce tarnsman. My love. My strength. Friend and lover. You guard my heart, you captured my soul, I feed off of your zest for life.

Never let me go, never give up on a love that still holds both captive, against their will. Try as we might, we cannot let go. Finger tips touch and the sparks fly. Into your eyes I fall, those eyes that twin mine in nearly every way. We are tapestries of our lives lived.

And baby, we have lived. We have lived apart and together. Our hearts were pulled to one another, and even still they yearn to be together. I love you, until my last breath and beyond. Eternity, forever, to the worlds end and back. No obsticle will keep our hearts from seeking one another. They beat to a rhythm all their own.

Nothing can compare, there be lesser loves, and there might be greater loves. But none will ever hold the love we share. Transending even time and space its self.

Do we dare take the risk and allow destiny to rest in our hands again? Or do we walk the lonely path knowing we are forever drawn to one another. Tell me now for I feel as if I shall parish if I do not know. My tarnsman heart will always be cherished, protected and loved."

Love stained in ink II

His scroll came as a great surprise to me. I cannot begin to describe the emotions I went through as I read it. Each and every line held so much emotion, passion, desire, hurt, hate, love... it was all there. It captured me and held me captive in the silk webs it spun.

He is my tarnsman and his talons hold my heart. He protects it even if he never realizes it. I love him, Odin strike me dead, I cannot help but love him. I am so in love its crushing. Its something that I tried to push away. I tried to hide I tried to run from but I could not.

My uncle has laid the law down. He has seen my suffering, he knows it too well. His letter:

Lorelei,

After giving this much consideration and having observed the past few hands, I have come to a decision that will no doubt leave you unhappy with me, but as right of being family and your guardian, I find this decision to be the only one I can come to at this time.
I'm voiding my signature on the contract. I cannot give you my blessings on joining in contract at this time of your life. In fact, as your guardian, I refuse. Quite contrary, until I deem it time, I am placing you under orders from me that you are in time of solitary, except for times when Caste Duty is warranted. Too much has gone on in your life in too short a time. You have not had the necessary time you need so to reach decisions with a clear train of thought. Therefore, as is my right and has been for all of your life, I forbid you to agree to any such party contract until a period of time has passed.
If this man, ANY MAN, truly loves you, then he will understand and will accept this decision. And wait for you. As would any man who makes a claim of love to a woman. If a man wishes to mince words over this, you are to send them directly to me. I will not tolerate a man bringing another man's business to you.
My decision is made. It is not often that I will overrule you in these sorts of decisions, Lorelei. You are my first priority above all others so I can do no other than feel this is the right choice.
We will speak when you are feeling stronger and clearer of mind. Know that my choices are made for you with love.

Jonas

I cannot even begin to go into details what these two letters have done for me today. And yet still hesitation hangs in the air. It is thick. It is a solid mass in which I find my self trapped.

Doubt and fears come to play. I have no where to hide, only to experience it and live with in it. Have my fears become my strengths, my doubts my courage. And trudge forward. I can and will make it through it, the mess and tangled emotions that surround my heart are beautiful and there is but one man strong enough, determined enough to capture his tempest back.

I have left it open for him, if he truly wants me back he will come for me. Steel drawn and not backing down. He will not take no for answer. He will move mountains and part the thassa. He will reclaim what is his... I will not be second to any other free woman. I am his woman, my heart will always be his but he has to make his choice, he has to choose...

I want it to be so, in his hands rest the key. The key to my heart, the key to fate. While I may cry tears of many colors, I also am unafraid of feeling. I cannot stop thinking about what it was like to make love to him again in Fehu Isa, what it was like before I left.

I cannot go on in this life never feeling the way I feel when I am with him. Damn me, curse me, spurn me, spite me... loathe me... I love him. I cannot turn my cheek and look away. He comes near and I am drawn to him, I am pulled to my other half, my soul mate, my lover, my friend, my warrior, my fierce tarnsman, the tempest chaser. The steel of strength in my greatest times of need.

Fates brought us together, they saw fit that our paths cross. Two head strong storms, and yet when we collide there is a calm at the center. When in his arms I am in the eye of the storm as it rages around us. Time no longer has any form of logic, it seems to still, as two hearts beat as one.
It might be foolish for me to love a man as I do, it might be wrong, but if it is wrong I do not want to know what is right.

With Ard, there was the emotion of love. It is tender, but it is placid, it is not the fire I have in my breast for Lucien, he will never claim what Lucien did three years ago. It will never be his, he will never feel the sweet burn of such a love. And no other ever will, it belongs to one. And if the fates are so cruel as to rip him from me again, if he chooses another woman over me again, if a companionship comes my way I pray it be one of pure political nature. For I will never love another, how can I.

I miss my sons more and more each day. I missed their natal days. They are growing without me. I had built for them two miniature serpents. The exact replicas of the two I own, the two that will go to them when they reach their 18th envar. My sons will never lack for my love, but I wish to hold them again. I have truly wanted to return to the estates just to see them, to see all the children. I miss them so very much, Dacia was my best student, Naime was beautiful and perfect. She called me mother once and I cried and told her to call me Lorelei. I miss my life.

When things made sense, even when they did not. ODIN... -tears hit the page and there is a tear from her quill.-

Love stained in ink...

-this scroll will rest forever between the pages of her journal.-

My Lei, my Love,

I apologize for not writing sooner to welcome you back to our Home Stone. I find life now to be more of a fumbling through the dark than a walk along a clear pathway. I have thought at length about our night in Fehu Isa. There are some things that, for whatever reason beyond logic or common sense, grips into a heart and won't release it. No matter the distance, you pull me. Like steel to a lodestone, I can't explain it, but I feel myself, time and again, drawn to you. Pulled by some unseen and invisible force that beckons me back to you, back to my Tempest, my kiss in the storm, my lightning on the rim of the horizon.

I wanted to apologize to you about Alliya. My Love, I was wrong. I thought that what she and I shared so many years ago, was stronger than what you and I share. She is gone, and yet, I feel no pull, no urge to find her, no desire to see her. The only thing left in my chest for her is hatred. She was too busy falling off cliffs and consorting with Karians to care for my beautiful, precious, exquisite little daughter, and I lost her for it. Part of me wants to drive my sword through Alliya's gut and plant her on a pike of the City Gates to watch her die slowly. When I think of Nahla, I feel these rages like I've never known swell into my every fiber. I wouldn't have traded the time with Alliya because I brought me Nahla, but Lei, I was wrong. I felt I was losing you, I felt you were pulling away from me, and I didn't know why. Alliya swept in like a thief in the night with pretty words, gentle touches, and history, ahhhh, I scream in the night thinking of how she wound her way around my heart like an ost, tiny pinprick teeth dripping with the most deadly of venoms. She destroyed everything she touched.

I am sorry, Lei. I find myself at a crossroads. I am a man treading water in Thassa while the storms buffet from each side.

I didn't come to Fehu Isa to throw your world into a tailspin. I came to see you, to see if you still long for me the way I do for you, if you cling to the memory of us, of that kiss on the terrace so long ago, the way I do, if you call my name at night when you're alone, if you wish beyond all hope or reason to be in my arms. To find you there, wearing my tunic, your hair unbound, possessing body that steals my breath and makes the blood in my veins run with the pace of battle, finding your eyes, Kings, your eyes! The exquisite green of your eyes, Lei, they haunt me, they torture my thoughts, and to look into your eyes that night in Fehu, Kings, I can't express. To kiss your lips and feel you in my arms, to hold you, touch you, taste you, love you, want you. Kings strike me dead for wanting you the way I do! However, I know also the true feelings that passed between us the night in Fehu, and I have not forgotten how it felt to make love to you again. You ignite

Lei, I should let you go, let you find happiness that I cannot and have not been able to give you. To let you find that one person who warms your heart, who brings a smile to your face, instead of a tear to your eyes. But something, Kings, something won't allow me to let you go. I can't. The thought of losing you, never being able to hold you again, tears at the very fabric of my soul.

I do not ask you to make a choice between Ard and I, Lei. To do so would be dishonorable of me. You made a promise, drafted a contract, and that is what you must honor, my Love, but I wanted you to know, that I do love you, Lei. With a love that transcends time, space, distance, companionships to others, voiced hatred, unvoiced love, pain, suffering, sorrow, peace, comfort, and shame, I love you, and I do not apologize for that. The Kings crashed you into me years ago, my Tempest, and I cannot let you go, no matter how hard I have tried. Even if we both companion others, I do not see how I could live life without your touch, the look in those eyes that twin mine, that give me a soft place to land when the rest of the world looks bleak.

I love you, Lei. Kings damn me for it, but I love you, and I am sorry for the pain and anguish I've caused you.

Until my last breath and beyond, you have the heart of your Tarnsman,

Luc

Keeper of thine heart.

" And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase"

Last Breath

"My Last Breath"

hold on to me love
you know i can't stay long
all i wanted to say was i love you and i'm not afraid
can you hear me?
can you feel me in your arms?

holding my last breath
safe inside mysel
fare all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

i'll miss the winter
a world of fragile things
look for me in the white forest
hiding in a hollow tree (come find me)
i know you hear me
i can taste it in your tears

holding my last breath
safe inside mysel
fare all my thoughts of you
sweet raptured light it ends here tonight

closing your eyes to disappear
you pray your dreams will leave you here
but still you wake and know the truth
no one's there

say goodnight
don't be afraid
calling me calling me as you fade to black

holding my last breath
safe inside mysel
fare all my thoughts of yous
weet raptured light it ends here tonight

Home coming

It was a quite home coming for me. There was no big anything, my ships were taken into the harbor, they were docked.

My crew stayed with the ships to see that all were taken care of, Jonas, Clark and Tad and two new guardsman escorted me back to my villa. It feels so weird to be followed now by guards with in my own home.

So use to walking alone late at night, now is not possible. I know its for my protection and yet it the cold chill of fear takes hold. The missives were all read when I finally got to my villa. The small infant in my care is now sleeping well.

I feel odd here, something is still in limbo. My heart. And that is held in a balance that is easily tipped one way or another. How will I escape this feeling that grows inside. More each day makes me pull further and further away.

The north has left a chill upon my flesh once again, but has it done the same to my heart. If I were to face Lucien now would I fall into his arms...

I know now why I felt so trapped in returning to Cos, the impending companionship I am now loathing. I feel as if I must go through with it, I must follow the promise I made.

I feel the anger rise inside of me, I feel like a shell now when I think of it. How can I possibly go into another companionship, I forced feelings for someone that are not there, not in the vicinity that I made my self believe they were.

I was a fool in so many ways.

Perhaps I can stay the companionship, push it off for a longer courtship until I know which why I will go. Or should I just go through with it, as I said I would. Hide my pain and pretend happiness and let everyone see the cheerful me that is not me... the fake me, the warm and friendly me... perhaps it will be easier to just play the part.

Wear the mask and not let another see what is truly there, where my heart truly lies... I should have stuck with my caste work, the clinic and my villa. And not allow another to get so close. Play with fire and I got burned, many times over. Its not the best in the world to feel.

In the pit of my stomach I know something does not sit right. I need more time, I cannot hide here in the villa, they will know I have returned. I should have had the ships stay out at sea longer, just disappear for awhile.

I cannot run, that is foolish in of its self, it shows my weakness. No I will brave this as I have everything else. Walk the path I made, the thrones cut my feet, no petals are upon the ground, I gave that up, believing they would be far happier without me and with another.

To that question I still do not know the answer. Perhaps I never will, for I wont ask, that is just begging the dagger through the heart and he has seen too much of my pain as it is. I am Lorelei, I am Lei... I am the passionate physician, the ice cold temptress from the north... I will steal the souls, I will take breaths away, I will heal wounds and save lives... I will live as a Cosian free woman.

I will do right by my caste and home stone. They are what I have, they are what I need to refocus upon.

My heart will find its way, it will find a light again, but for now in the dark it rests.

Secrets of the Heart

A puzzle box and a storm, lightening and confusion... it all just wraps and coils tighter as the ahns pass by. The waves rock, I hear the howl of the winds and fears strikes true to my breast. I feel the shadows creep, their talons are just mere horts from my soul.

The sway of the lamp, its fire casts erratic patterns along the wall and the tears fall down my cheeks. Unable am I to stop them, unable to seek or find comforts. Returning home and yet it feels as if chains hold me, not the love for my home stones.

Promises and hopes, dreams and failure is all a gilded cage in which I feel trapped inside of.

The secrets that are locked in my mind and heart give me a liberation, and yet they have to be suppressed. Hidden and denied. Love for one, love for another, but am I even truly their one, could I ever have been so foolish as to think that my tarnsman had come to be with me because he wanted me, or is there some other reason, or was it simply because he knew how I would crumble... can he even let go? Could I let go?

Will the tempest forever rage, giving me agony for all my days, with the fierceness in which we loved, can that ever die... apparently it can be replaced, but can it be forgotten, it can be ignored. Oh the white hot searing pain that pierces the veil, giving no quarter to the heart.

I am torn... for which do I choose... I long for two men... I am trapped in this paradox called love... a woman's curse for her heart. If it is true, its the worst Pandora's box that could ever be opened. For what lies inside might never be what the seeker is in fact searching for...

It could be bleak and terrifying. A few will battle what comes their way, the demons that lie deep in the abyss. Discovering mysteries, truths, fears, hopes, dreams, shadows, and a love that is incomparable, a love unparalleled to any other. A love that stands alone, a love that will draw the moth to its flame. The flame that is eternal even long after the one that sparked the love is gone.

However, when another sparks a love inside the heart, the battle starts, an internal war between two loves that hold no candle to another... two that are so different and yet hold her heart, trapped in their talons as the prey of a tarn. No escaping it, no running from it, no denying it, no matter how I look at it, I am not getting any clarity on the matter... I thought I had moved past it. Moved on, and yet I am only 100 steps backwards.

My secrets will remain locked in my heart for as long as I can keep them there... never will they see the light of an other's eyes. They are mine and mine alone. I will not let another spoil what it is that is me, they seek and yet they shall not find... there is naught there for another to seek.

My heart is a place of webs and mysteries. She will not let you in and will not let you go, a paradox of her own. And epiphany will not be had this night, enlightenment shall be even more so the puzzle that will stump far greater women than I.

Both men say words that are so euphoric, like a litany in the way they whisper into my ear, they whisper to my heart and soul... powerless and helpless do they render me and they just do not s e e it. And perhaps they never will. The treasure that is in their hands, the diamond in the rough. A few glimpses here or there, but they have never fully discovered the surface of the diamond, they have never stayed long enough to buff away the rough edges...

The fire that is trapped inside is still undiscovered... and there rests the secret to my heart... what lies in the center of the puzzle box.

Black abyss

He is my temptation... My weakness... my paradox. Why will I not let him go, why wont I just walk away & close the door?

Am I but a choice, one he knows will quake when he is near, soar with his touch, be consumed by him...?

His tempest rages when he is near, he breathes her in, drinks her... but does he still crave her? Can he ever be happy? Will his black heart open to allow the storm to rage between them again?

Upon the wings of his tarn the tarnsman came in like a thief in the night and stole the heart of the maiden once again. Stoked her fires and made her burn.

In the night she was his, for that one amazing night they were a million passangs away from anything else that mattered.

However, no matter how long the night, dawn always breaks and reality always returns. He again left.

Now the tempest is in the black abyss, confusion, doubt, guilt.

The want to disappear is stronger than ever before, to fade into the inky shadows to never be heard of again, to be forgotten and never spoken of again... to never rage again, the dawn awakes and the tempest is gone... nothing but broken bits and pieces of her remain.

.....

Each day hurts a little more, each day I am more confused. My heart screams for one, my mind the other... my soul screams for peace... I know naught where I will turn... I know naught where I will end up... For now I am utterly confused... my love to one, my heart to the other... Lei to the hunter, Lorelei to the ray of lar torvis... but to which do I choose... choosing one of the other is a place I rather not be... both take a pain away and both inflict a pain upon my heart... why did I have to be found so desirable... I sought solace to soon... i forced my self to be ready and was not... now I feel trapped with no room to move... no air to breathe. I am lost... I am alone...

And yet tonight my hunter came to me, he did not take no for an answer. And before him I crumbled, I am unable to go through with this when before me stands my weakness, the who stole my heart and never gave it back... I was foolish in believing that he had... never had he.

It hurts he has found two great loves that seem to have trumped my own love for him, and that makes me want to in spite run to the hills with what I feel for Ard and see where it grows, and in turn makes me want to show him the depths of love he will never know...

Sadly all that get close to me find out I am in fact a dull and boring woman. Only am I worth it when the chase is still on. Remain unattainable and they want me, sign the contract and its over... stay out of reach they fight you, allow my self to be caught and I am tossed aside for the next flash in a pan...

Strange how things work... where will I turn... what is the next page to be written in my never ending pages of life, the ink is still wet and in anticipation I await the next turn... with a broken heart and poison tears... I wait... I take what bitter apple I have and move forward... time is time and I cannot create it, I cannot stop it, I cannot do anything, even if I still time continues to move on, with or without me... so there for upon the wings of time I drift... I follow the whispers of the fates... I follow what path is less traveled to make a new path...

Never do I take the easy way it seems... I should have for my own sanity walked away from Lucien, he does not deserve me, I know this, but I still love him, even if I want to take the heaviest vase and drop it on his head or hit him in the face with a plank of wood... I still love him... and yet I found a love with Ard... can a woman Love two different men in two vastly different ways...

How to I gauge this, how do I work with this... I love one with a reckless abandonment, and the other with a soft soothing ribbon of seduction, one is white hot, the other is a simmering burn... they are different and yet same, loves to which there is no bounds... I am trapped in the middle... and yet want not to hurt either man...

Sweet sorrow... can I believe either one... when they call me my heart or my love... I know its selfish to want to feel the special place... to feel as if I do in fact hold something far greater than any other, a place above any other... however i am stuck with a hesitation... its my greatest plague that infects me... this hesitation... this fear of actually just being a catch... a conquest... a man's choice... instead of a priority...

Mirage

What a pretty picture I paint each day I walk through the halls here in Fehu Isa, each and every day I find a new way to shield the pain that I harbor in the depths of my heart. A pain I am unsure of the depths its self.

I was a fool into thinking that I could just walk away, that I could look else where for the comforts and delights once again. Is my happiness just a mirage in attempts to mask the true depths of my pain.

The pain of a woman so deeply in love still to a sleens ass that it burns. In the night I am in anguish needing him, wanting him close...

My heart is broken, torn between two. The tempest love, the true love, the depths of a love that cannot be touched and to my bane unable to vanquish. Unable to quit, unable to put to the past, I cannot let it go. And then there is the love that is just a mirror of a love, a lar torvis ray in my darkest ahn. I believe I have been to quick to jump at this one, to quick to hide my pain.

In my dreams last night he came to me, my fierce tarnsman, he lifted me into his arms and cradled me to his chest. I was crying hard in my sleep. He could see the anguish that was there written on his Lei's face. The pain that was coming through with the deep shroud of sleep. No veil to hide the truth from him.

His words were so seductive and so right, whispering right to my heart and soul. Pulling me into that serenity that was him. I was where I have always wanted to be. But when morning came I crumbled again, pulling the tunic I kept of his close to my self and cried so very hard again. Why wont the tears stopped. What pulled the veil from my pain, why must I face this pain in the worst of ways.

Its ripping me apart from the inside out, and while I stand in a world of people I feel utterly alone screaming and drowning. Not a soul sees the pain that is swallowing me, the pain that it the poison in my veins, the sinful and selfish desires of a woman that sits in silent agony.

Peril is my new concubine, my new succubus to give me the comforts in the worst of ways. The darken shadows linger, the pain is bright and there.

I know naught what I will do, I know naught what I should do. Should I go forward knowing my whole heart is not in it and follow through with the promise of a new contract. Or should I beg out of it, I never beg, but I am close to it this time...

How I long for the days and nights where I was numb, where I did not feel the pain. I refused to deal with it. He will never know, he will never see the pain, he will never hear me calling out his name into the harsh ice winds of the north, or see me cry. He wont see it, he never will.

No matter the lengths I go to, to forget it, to get past him and the love it never seems to do me any good. Please Odin, I will beg of you to ease my suffering heart. To heal it, ice it over again. I can put the front up, I can pretend I can hide and mask it all. But this, this I fear even I do not have the strength for.

Dark cold night, be my seducer, pull me into the nights cold harsh winds and steal my pain away. I feel so broken, and so utterly alone...

Unshed tears...

The night sounds here are so different than those from my villa on Cos. I sit now in the window seat of my chambers here in the north and look out side hearing the winds calling, their ever sweet song, that some how pulls the strings of my heart.

I realized the night that Lucien lost his daughter was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with, the grief he felt, the renewed grief I felt, and the tears that were so brutal to feel, words were suffocated in my throat. He called me my Love, and I wanted to stay in his arms.

I still feel the burn in my own heart, the pit of my stomach gnaws at me. I hear his voice calling out 'Lei' in the distance, the breaking of his heart was there in his voice, his tears tore me apart. I felt my walls crumbling, I tried to remain strong, I cannot get past what I feel.

Now I feel trapped, like chains bind me and I have fallen into the thassa. Drowning and not a soul around to save me this time. I must find my own way to the top. I must find a way to force my self closure. But can you ever find closure to a tempest. To something that still runs rampant deep inside. To something that is still burning as hot as a forges coals that melts steel...

Can I deny what it is that I feel... I am stuck... pure agony. Love that will not let go, I refuse to let it go. He holds my heart, and yet I ran from him. It is true, I feel strongly for Ard, however I feel like its too soon... I am not ready... I am not ready to enter that contract again.

Why is it so hard, why can I not move past my tarnsman... my storm... my hunter... why wont this prey just run when caught in his cross hairs. When I do run, I have always left it open for him to capture me... to show me that passions again, to give into those desires again, to love him again... but yet I held back... W H Y????????????

I do not even know my own heart, I cannot figure it out from one day to the next... I cannot think as the thoughts swim, the nightmares are so vivid... I long for the comfort of those eyes that twin mine, that eclipse my own... the sound of his voice in that low rumble against my ear, his hands in my hair... hearing him call me his Lei...

The look in his eyes that night, asking me for help and I froze... I was scared... and he will never understand it... he will never see it. I love him and trying to force it from my heart... If there is any mercy... it will be to end my suffering... I pray that the north will soothe my heart, will ease the ache, but its arms I know my only solace will be found, but its my hunter's arms I cannot be in.

Now I cradle this small infant and I cry knowing I cannot hold my own sons, that hold perfect images of their father. My one and only true love in this world. My one and only soul mate. A destructive love and yet I cannot let it go. I left him to make his choice easy. I could not risk the rejection should he have chosen her over me. So I made the choice easy. I thought making him hate me would make it easier. But it didn't. And it never will...

DAMN IT.. .You damn ass... I love you and I cannot quit you but I promised my self to another... damn it... I need you... I love you... where are you my love... my tarnsman... my hunter... Do you look to the stars and even think of me... is this love you could not live without better than what we had...

Do you ever want me in your arms again... do you want to hear me fall asleep, call your name... before you I felt helpless and yet powerful... beautiful and strong... Nothing seems to make any sense what so ever. There is so much I wish I could tell you, I want to slap you, and kiss you. Hurt you and make love to you... but I can't... I must go forth as if I care nothing for you. I must go on as if nothing ever happened between us...

I must serve my home stone and my caste... I must move on, and yet I cannot... you would never believe me no matter what I said... Forever will you hold the passions of my heart, the pulse of my soul... I am trapped...

I am going to take this call for aid to the north as a sign from Odin, and stay here until I am no longer needed, be it a hand or an envar... I will not leave them empty handed... if Cos has need of me, she will call me back. For now... I try to find solace in my own empty furs, in my broken heart, and tormenting dreams... and let the northern lands heal me, where no medicine can.

It never will be the same... I know naught what will happen... but I know that I am broken... I am hurting and in the dark of the night, the winds carry with them the deep agony of my sorrows, my siren's cry of misery... my longing cry for you...

I said forever... and I now know its so very true... never will my heart let go... and I do not think I want it to.

Dance of Fear

Sent on a mission for my home stone, for my caste, for the Ubar of Cos to aid a Jarl at an out post... but why does it feel as if I am being cast out from my home? Why is there that lurking sinking suspicion that something far more dark and dangerous lurks around the next corner?

I feel the cold hand of fate on the back of my neck and my stomach knots, my heart falters and panic sets in, my eyes are cold and empty, and yet full of emotions and fear. Returning to the out post that I had once taken safety within... where childhood friends reside and yet I am reluctant to go.

Tears swell and I know not the reasons why they fill my eyes, will the blurry vision be enough to allow me to see what is happening or will they be the mask to hide what is there, what is being done. I leave behind my island to serve her and her Ubar, to serve my caste. But my heart is there and I am not... behind me he is left and I feel alone. Broken for some reason.

There is something that is pulling and twisting, tugging and nagging. Why wont it release me...? Perhaps it is me that will not let go, perhaps it is I that holds onto something that is just a mist and fog of imagination.

Broken and shattered I feel as the waves under me rock the ship I am upon, I find no solace in the waves as I once did. Nightmares are ripped open, from my parents death to my still born daughter... the nightmares are so palpable that they are tearing me apart, causing real violent tears to take hold of me, the sobs shake me so hard. Never before have I been so emotionally raw and to the point where the emotions take hold and no longer does logic and reason reign, but chaos and insanity. They are the guiding beacon for me...

Shadows of the past dance through my mind like the taharian fires, the deep rooted and passionate emotions rise to the surface and in my furs I sit and scream to the skies in hopes for some kind of release. Some kind of answer or sign, something, anything to ease my suffering. To ease my troubled mind... my heart falters... something does not feel right about this trip.

Something does not sit well with me, here I am just ehns from the beaches of the out post and I do not know what will happen.... Jonas is here and yet I still fear... but what... WHAT... oh Odin grant me a shred of mercy, a shred of strength to brave what is before me...

The storm has never passed, and it might never past, but my ray of lar torvis has broken through, I pray that the fates will not let the storm take over again and shield out that ray of light. I cannot do this again, I cannot get over him yet again...

-tear drops splash the page, her hand shakes and she screams in agony and pain-

I am truly in a place I never expected to be in my life... Dance does my fears... Dance does the nightmares, dance does the love that I feel that now embraces me tenderly without words knowing how to soothe the hurt and calm the tempest when she rages... I miss him already...

Secret Puzzle

Dare to dream

It was a day of pure emotional turmoil that spread through out the city and island... a deep heaviness that laid over us all. It blanketed us with sorrows deep and profound. It stole the breath and kicked us when we were down...

We lost the young daughter of our Ubar as well as a skilled black smith Savi... and one of our own was denied fire, salt, and bread today... our isle has suffered a deep pain this day...

It was a pain that dug deep into the breast... it seized my heart and caused me to grive tears... I longed to hold my own sons to smell their sweet breaths and to craddle them close, but, alas they were not with me...

Alone I was not... for my future companion, the raider of my heart came... he knew my sorrows... in his embrace I found serenity and strength. I found comforts... I took them, I accepted comforts from another, when I my self have denied it for so long... have refused to let someone so close, I had sworn off finding love, never wanting to feel its bitter pain again, and yet I was drawn to him, this raider that stole my heart.

He did not give up, he refuses to let me go... and bound to him I become through the bonds of love that are being forged between us... the fire that we hold is raw and rare to find... I fear losing my self in side of it.

The words ring in my head over and over again, 'Do you dare dream of how incredible we will be?' How can those words weave such sweet sunder to my heart and my hopes. Can it be possible to be great... to be beyond the stars.

Can I dream... should I dream... should I set my self up and pray I wont fall to the ground yet again. Shattered the dreams of a young girl were, of a young woman, a mature woman... can the shrew be transformed... can I find the reasons for hope and dreams and spread my wings and just explore and simply enjoy what it is...

Enjoy the beauty of love.... YES...

Even if a shadow of the past refuses to let go, my ray of light is stronger and it is the light I am drawn to.

Secrets Untold...

Secrets untold... secrets of the night, secrets of the dawn, the heart, the thassa... they all carry secrets with them. Its in the way we move, the glances across the room, the knowing smiles, the glints in the eyes, the gestures, the hidden remarks that fly through our minds, leaving a lightening effect in the depths our eyes...

A secret I hold, one of a deep and profound nature... this secret holds a tie so surreal it shakes my very heart... in the small little infant that I keep, that I protect i shelter with my very life. He breaths and steals my heart. I care for the one that has been placed in my arms by the fate of the kings, but it is not the infant I hold in secret deep in the river of shadows that consume my soul, it is the fact I know of his birth, I know where this little one comes from.

So when the time is right all will be well, he will have the protection of the Landau's for as long as the name stands he will be protected with our lives. We are not faint of people we will stand tall and proud. Together as one, family until our dying breath.

Sleep now little son, sleep well. You are a joy in my life, and forever shall you be protected as if you were my own. Sleep now and rest...

Lithium

Lithium

I feel the burning in my veins again, the true breath filling my lungs, the pound of my heart that echos into the night...

I do not want to forget what it is like to feel, what it is like to know the vast range of emotions that we as humans are capable of feeling, of expressing...

My tears have run dry, my lips tremble as the anger rages deep inside of me...

His sent calms me, it gives me a pull to a center I have long forgotten. I do not wish to fall into the darkness, I wish to stay in love with my own soul... leaving it open for him to explore.

Why wont the hunter let me go... why wont he just release me, he has casted me to the side twice before and now he tries to attack me in my weakest point, to drive that stake so deep I scream in silent agony for I refuse to let the world see my pain.

A new day of hope, a dawn of reason. He is the breath I long for in the middle of the night, the touch to my heart that protects it, in his hands I leave it, trusting him not to shatter it, not to waste the gift I have given him. The depths of a love that truly knew no bounds... it will go the extremes for the love returned.

The allegro tempo carries the blood racing through my veins when I hear him say such to me... proclaiming his love for me... let the hunter have his battle, he has already lost one prize and will lose many more should he stay on this path. Should he continue down this road he will not find his way back. He will drown in his own deeds, in his own world. For the ground he stands upon is shaky, the pieces along the edge crumble one hort at a time... soon there will be not turning back.
Its too late for what ifs, its too late to turn back. I know now what its like to feel again. To see the colors and feel their warmth. The chill of winter touch my heart no longer, for the warmth of love hath planted her sweet seeds deep within.

Cast away are the shadows that linger, that haunt, the poison that ran its course has now found the antidote to its effects. My heart heals more with each and every beat within the shroud of love. No longer will I stay locked inside my mind and keep my soul and heart hidden from the world. I cannot die a slow and agonizing death of hope and emotion in one. It would be as if I were drowning upon my own blood.

Fear cannot reside here, I cannot cling to them... in his hand I place mine... Can he... will he be the one to fight them off... to embrace me with his arm and shield me from the nights haunting terrors that lurk, the evils that linger just beyond my touch...

-a single tear drop on the page-

Never again...