Sleep Isabella

Sleep child sleep

Sleep child sleep

The daylight is waiting

Cautiously fraying.

Sleep sleep my Isabella

safely in your carousel

Sleep through the spinning

Just like your beginning

Sleep my child.

Dance child dance (Dance)

Dance child dance (Dance)

The Night time is waiting

dream times are fading

Dance dance my Isabella

Needing your own carousel

Sleep through the

Your whole world is caving

(My Isabella, Your carousel)

Sleep child sleep

Sleep child sleep

The daylight is waiting

Cautiously fraying

Sleep sleep my Isabella

Safely in your carousel

Sleep through the spinning

Just like your Beginning

White Rose... Red

Tonight... I made a dina blush red... a white dina turned a beautiful shade of red right before my eyes. The magicians have always held my mind in thrall... their magic... its just heart stopping. I do not know how to explain is or even understand it.

All things lead back to science... even emotion, it all has chemical responses in the body that can be explained through science... however this... this I cannot explain.

I wish I could bottle some of their magic and save it... for when I really need it. I remember seeing them when I was a girl, how I was just so transfixed by their abilities.

If only I could use their magic to heal a heart. The dina sparked a lot in my mind tonight, and I just withdrew from those around me. Found my self in a whole new plane, a whole new frame of mind.

Fear pricked my finger tonight and my heart bled. "A set back." Nothing could drop my heart faster than lead, that those words. It is already faltering with each day. I do not know why I fear, perhaps I am just being cynical and foolish.

I know he loves me, but is it enough...

Can I turn his black heart red... as the magician turned my white dina red... right before his eyes without him knowing how I did it... I can only hope.

Sweet child

Oh sweet child, your cries are heard across the great divide of distance that separates us... but i still hear them, the moons dim, the stars fade and the skies bleed your grief. The world is a little less bright knowing that you are hurting so my precious one.

Some how, some way, the siren's call will reach across the great distance and will soothe. When the mind and heart become detached the soul flounders... Cry not, sweet child, for your comfort is soon to come.

Through great pains I will wade through to bring to longing hearts back together. Two souls could not be more deserving of the healing powers of love than you, sweet Erra and your Master. Not the one whose collar you don, but the one that will forever know your heart.

Two opposite lives we live, the line drawn clearly between us, great distances separate us, but out fingers still touch our breaths still mingle, our hearts ache for the same thing, our minds cries out in desperation for that moment of peace and serenity.

We are a concerto my sweet Erra, you are the beautiful melody that sings sweet, enchants and heals, your charisma personified... you are enigma. You are owned, heart and soul, by one, your body by another. You are the light. I am the harmony, the constant, the steady, the flow that brings to fruition the beauty of the melody, I am the dark.. and HE... he is our steady beat, our gray to which we pour right into.

Women of two different lives and yet so connected it sends a spine chill. Upon your mind's memories I did travel, telling tales of horror and woe, of love and deep devotion. I know that I would never willingly submit, i haven't the strength to ever be so open, so at the mercy of men. You have strength you are doubting now. Chin up my sweet child.

My siren's call upon the winds drift, and will find ye, and soothe thy heart and soul... to bring together again the hearts that hurt so deeply. He needs his balance back, he needs the comforts you bring him. His love for you is unlike anything I could ever compare to.

He needs his Erra girl back, his beloved and treasured girl. I cannot explain his frame of mind, but I know that from your scroll you are in desperate need of him too. At the sadars I will find you girl, and with my healing touch and light I will bring together the two souls that are in the dark without one another.

Forsake my own, to heal two I love greatly. It tears me apart to see him hurt so, he wont admit it, Gorean men and their vanity would never admit it, but I know he needs you as much as you need him. I cannot heal his hurt, I cannot mend the pains in which he feels. I purged him of the poison that plagued him, but I cannot seem to reach the place in him to give back his light. Only you can, he has lost one great love, he needs to find you again.

I will not stop, no hurdle will keep me from returning you to him. Even if it costs me all the gold I have, I love him that much, to forsake my own to ensure he finds his light again. I cannot see him swallowed by the pain, I cannot reach him... I will always be his Tempest and stolen kiss of pure fire, but... you... oh sweet Erra... I need you as well.

Some how you brought peace to me too, you just never knew it. It is rare for me to let anyone in, anyone near me, near any where they can hurt me. And yet I felt the strong urge to protect you and save you from those dark murky depths that threatened to steal you from him.

Again I will fight for you, as I fight for him. Dear Erra... you will come home to lay at the feet of an Ubar, the one who you belong with. You are his light. And he needs a light to see him through the dark.

I will find you, sweet child. I will find you.

Nightingale...

Sing to me sweetly, sweet nightingale. Sing to me the song of the waves, sing to me the songs of the skies, sing to me the sweet surrenders of the heart. Oh sweet nightingale, sing to me the woes of life, the joys and sweet beauties that lies within.

The gentle rock of the waves pull and lure me into the their song, upon the winds of freedom do you life, sing to me that sweet lullaby that haunts and sears right into the soul of one, tears at the fabric of our very being.

Tears of the ocean, tears of a lover at a loss, tears of those things that have come to pass. Our history is written with ink on golden pages of immortality. My heart aches and for reasons I do not know.

Where has my muse gone, oh sweet nightingale, touch upon my shoulder and let your song fuel my soul...

A mustard seed... so tiny is it, its just like a ball of lint, but to our amazement, when planted the beauty in which it becomes. The strength and size of the tree that is produced.

We reap what we sow... so into the heart I sow a seed, no bigger than a mustard seed, a seed of love, but into fertile soil to I sow it... or does it plant into a dead heart, never to full take root, never to full become all it can become.

Its but a small seedling now... tender and fragile, a harsh winter can destroy it, but will it prevail, will it live...

Sweet, sweet, Nightingale, sing me the song of woe, tell me the story of two lovers... tell me the tale of the Tempest and Tarnsman... will their woe pull them through, will the dark and dank nights tear them apart... will their yearning drive them to one another again.

Sing sweet nightingale, and tell me what my heart longs to hear, but whisper into my ear what my mind needs to know... tell me now, tell me true... sweet intoxicating song, you weave your magic all around me.

Wrapped in the velvet soft comforts of your mystic abilities. You bring tears to burn my eyes, laughter to dry my throat, pain to heal, love to hurt, logic to confuse, chaos to rein order... Oh how bittersweet is your song, the lap of the waves that whisper "Hush child... sleep asunder."

Oh how do I resit thee... how do I not run to your arms and cry out... how do I find the strength that seems to become a weakness, give light to a weakness that hides the fear, and give breath to the fear that will become my salvation and protection...

Tell me now... tell me true... breath into me and ignite the fires that burn so silently, the scorch that leaves a ice in my veils... the cold burn that lingers so tortuously... upon my mind forever seared are the memories...

The good mingle with the bad, giving way to a new level... a new reason for hope for trust...

Oh mustard seed of love... grow... find the fertile ground, set your roots and pull to longing hearts together... the ground shakes and my body stills, my breathing pauses, for a moment all stands still and the silent screams echo louder than any tarn screech across the sky.

Lightening on the horizon, red around the moons, the thunder rolls in, and its music to my ears, taking me back to that moment in time where all stood still, nothing could touch, nothing could poison, nothing could taint or take... it was there, and two lips met and their souls entwined with one another...

Sing to the world the song of the Tempest, let the world fall envious at her feet, let them fear the gale winds... For there will ever only be one that will dare walk past the gossamer mist that rises around her, that dares to take her hand and heart, breath and soul, kiss a kiss that will make saints weep. Love until the skies bleed and the Thassa runs red... never being apologetic for taking what it is they both desire.

In another time and another place... For now sweet nightingale, the darkness is the cloak that binds, your song pierces the bleak and unknown... So sing sweet, sing true, sing with my love and my soul... my muse touch upon me and grant me strength and inspiration... may your song guide me to the light...

To the strengths I need now more than ever, to not crumble, to not be driven to the brink of madness once again... find faith in love, love will concur all... it will win...

Sing to the heart that aches so, sing to the lover that pines away, sing to the woman that finds strength... the Siren that stands upon the Thassa, where her beauty enchants and silences the great Mistress... the beauty that enchants and haunts... May your sweet song reach the beat of my heart, and inside of his, let the fires rage...

Purge his heart my sweet nightingale... give him peace and comfort I cannot.

Sweet nightingale, your song is sweet and cruel... my light in the dark...

Random thoughts

Life holds so much mystery to it. The questions that constantly haunt us and take hold. Deep rooted they plant, ingraining into our every fiber and being.

They bind you, they captivate you, hold you steady. But do you fight the vines of life, do you strive to question your very existence in this place.

The sand under my feet calm me... feeling the life of the Isle right against my bare flesh. Questions haunt and linger...

Did we know one another long enough to fall in love the first time, perhaps, but I think now after the time and events that have passed we have grown to a deeper love.

It might not be a flash and excitement that sends the blood to race, its that slow simmer that drives you out of the flesh. The respect for one another has grown. The need to know more than surface deep. To be each other's addiction and cure.

You are the bittersweet bane of my life... and yet I hunger for more. Laying out on the furs before my hearth, wearing naught but a slip of green, hair spread out over the white fur and my eyes close and you are there... Your voice against my ear, your touch upon my body, so slowly does it stir under your touch, so quickly I am consumed like rence set to fire.

Cries grow upon my lips, the world fades around me, as you teach me to feel under your hand. Experience touch, learn to trust my whole self to you. I gave only a small part to you before, and yet even when apart you still called to me, your eyes haunted me over the waves of the thassa, your voice in my mind stirred my soul.

I cannot shake you, forever in my heart I will be your Trovland Icy Physician... the Cosian woman that was not born of Cos but has become apart of her.

I belong to these lands.

Forty years... forty years and I never truly lived until I became Cosian... Always lost drifting over the winds, the wanderlust guiding me. Nothing reached up and took hold like Cos did... and yet there you were, you saw the crack, the compassion and that was it... I was helpless to the love that I found unexpected in the arrogant tarnsman.

There has never been a man that had the ability to reach into my heart, but it was not my heart alone that you touched, it was my soul, my devotion, my loyalty, passions, desires, you did not stop short... it might have taken us this long to finally reach that level of trust...

And its only the beginning... I will not falter in my step... when you are ready upon the wings of your tarn you will sweep in and by the sword take me... there will be nothing to stop you. Willingly I will wade through this darkness with you. But alone in much of the respect, you need to be... your heart has to release one to love the other... its a choice I do not envy.

But the joining last night had me thinking much about several things... Should I join again... I do not want the mush... I do not want the stomach churning gushing about love... I want something that is out of the ordinary, something that will catch me off guard and make the heart beat faster.

No insightful writings this day. For now I prepar for the journey to the sadars. Perhaps more clarity will come with the coming trip.

Do not worry...

... I will be all right on my own. I am strong, even if its only surface deep. I can allow the icy winters to roll over once again. A deep freeze to set its roots in my veins and steel my self against the pain that hungers to consume.

In my hands laid his heart, dead... with out a beat. The ubar of Cos died... in my hands. I gave him life, my hands brought the beat back to his heart, for mine could not continue to beat without his.

He is my missing beat... a match between warriors... and to me they brought him... upon great pains I was threatened to keep him alive... such was not needed... any how knew me, or my passions, know that I would not rest until I saw him breathing and safe.

Its a fools notion to think I could keep death away from him, but for him I battled death, risking my own life for his, and would time and again. If cos called for my last breath, my life's blood, the beat of my heart, to her I would yield willingly and not bat any eye lash. For Cos holds me to the ground.

She is my saving grace, my comfort, always there in the times of need, never again will I turn my back, even if I face death, I will not leave her shores... I am her daughter... the Trovland physician, her Trovland Cosian daughter... I returned home to her... I knew it with the first step I placed upon the her soil.

She called me, in the depths of my sleep I knew I was not home... here I feel peace.

Late at night, despite the cold, despite it all... on my small private cove i walk the sands barefoot, just to feel the pulse of life under my feet, against my flesh. To know I do not fight in vain, I do not risk for naught... that I give and she returns far more than any could possibly know.

These lands hold my blood, they hold me to this world... this reality.

My tarnsman needs to seek out him self... find his heart... who is truly longs for, who is calls for... do not doubt my love... I never could... and never will.

But the dagger sits there still, hot and twisting. The pain sends white flashes of ice and heat through my body. For moments I am blinded by the pain, deaf from the silent screams.

All I can do is continue forward... Fight for me, my tarnsman. Feel the fire that boils inside, let it consume you and I pray to Odin that it be me you seek out... that you cannot live without...

But, do not worry, my stolen kiss in the storm, your tempest wanes naught, do not worry for her, she will be all right alone. She waited all her life for your kiss, and your love, but this time... this time she will settle for nothing less than all that she deserves... and she deserves it all... might have at one point settled for a little, a taste, a treat, a tease, but now... now the demands have been laid out...

The battle lines are drawn, the obstacles in place, and the hunt has been baited... the prey lays beyond your grasp, and yet fully within that powerful gaze... a good hunter studies his prey, but can he deny him self?

You say time fades all things... will time fade our love? -a tear splatter at the fear-

Choices...

Our choices in life are often the very things in which people narrow in on. They will pick apart the most innocent of choices and turn a blind eye to the fact that, they, too make the same choices in life. One choice might in turn be the mistake that will sear your heart upon a spear leaving it out in the sun to rot, being torn apart piece by piece by the vultures that seek to destroy for their personal gain.

We walk through this life with nothing but the lessons we have gained, not those taught at the knees of our parents, or teachers, no the lessons that bards speak of when they travel, the lessons we learn through living, and only then can we carry with us anything resembling a life lived.

Mistakes happen, mistakes are just the sliver lining to the thunder cloud that looms. For inside each mistake is the pearl of wisdom to learn from. Cherish and hold to the heart and push forward. One foot before the other... lean on your self, but will you crumble...

Chances are always risky, without risk the rewards would be empty words and nothing left but the dried crumbles of the reward that was nothing more than dried sand... in the wind it blows away. Taking with it a part of you.

Each tear that has fallen has had a purpose, be it for good or ugly, the human emotion is something that is beautiful. One should never be ashamed of such, and NEVER... NEVER say your are sorry for having felt... s o m e t h i n g ...

Life can be so bland, perhaps we are jaded, perhaps we grow bored and restless...seeking that thrill again, that race of the heart, the balmy hands, the catch of breath, the fires that smolder, just one more time... feel the heat of fear, the urge to run, the need to scream...

I made a choice... and my choice has left me cold and afraid... and yet comforted and secure...

Roll off my back like water on a tarn's feather... perhaps... OH... if it was only so easy as it is to write the words... hands tremble when the voice rolls through my head... my heart screams and I feel the drowning effect seize my lungs as fear creeps, my arms go cold, my mouth dry, my legs heavy with the urge to run and seek solace or comfort...

But naught will come, for my mind is my tormentor... the constant reminder of the choices I have made and the damage that was left in the wake of it all.

I made a choice... and it was as easy as breathing... a beat of my heart and I knew... it was not so difficult to choose.

Quote

"Truth is, I gave my heart away along time ago, my whole heart, and I never really got it back."

Trust & Love

Eyes... they can tell us many a things... they can be the windows to our souls, the truth when our words fail, the tellers of our feelings when we no naught what they are. They will deceive, they will fool, they will lure, they will be witch, they will destroy.

Our eyes are the envy of all. With all that is covered, all that is hidden, protected... Gorean Free Woman are far more naked than they ever will realize... with the framing of our eyes, we are an open book. Even with the icy stares, the murderous gazes, the tempting fires that smolder with in. From the depths of color, to the pale mystery of some, they are the one thing that give away a woman.

Her heart, her soul, her captivating mystery that seems to draw a man. Even if they lust for slaves, something about a Gorean free woman gives a man the willies. Is it fear, is it desire, is it irritation that we spark. With a soft rise of long lashes, our movements concealed behind layers of robes and veils, our eyes speak louder than our bodies or our tongues.

Coy deception, manipulation... never. If we are wise we come to the line and just drag a toe along the edge and turn and walk away leaving you breathless. In our wake you hunger for that drink of water we have become. You yearn to find out what lies behind the masks we wear. What was it you saw in our eyes, was it something that caught your attention... for we know you did not get a glimpse of wrist or ankle, and even such a glimpse on a free woman could send a man's blood boiling. Seeing how that delicate wrist moves when she writes, or lifts a cup. Perhaps the turn of a foot, seeing how the body drifts to a melody you cannot hear.

Is your heart pounding, can you see something inside those eyes that haunt you now. You do not even know her name, you saw her in the market, just a glimpse of eyes that screamed and you heard. She is a true Gorean woman and that alone makes one fear.

Do not think us powerless, do not think us helpless. We are armed, we are dangerous, and together we will stand strong.

Friends reunited after too many years. A mother and daughter like relationship. One that has been tested by the sands of time, has fought the wars of fate to find one another again. The northern star, the beacon to serenity. Everyone needs someone, sometimes. We all need someone that just understands. Can look and know. Can comfort without a word, just knowing when to listen and when to hold.

True friendship is rare, perhaps why I have so few friends. And many do not even live on the isle. I live here, I know the people, I interact with the people, but I do not truly have any I call friend. Odd perhaps?? Perhaps not, trust is far stronger than love and far easier to break. It takes years to trust someone and in a blink, it is shattered like broken glass. Love is strong, but trust is ultimate. You lose trust, you can and will lose love, no matter how it lingers, without trust the doubt lingers and that is the only drop of poison one needs for it all to fall apart.

I cannot explain it, those that think they know me I have to laugh. They do not really know me. I am a Landau, and if I choose to let the world see one side of me, does not mean its the side of me that is honest. We all have our parts to play, I choose to play many. I can be happy to the world and torn inside. I can be laughing, and my heart is bleeding, soaring, but inside I am drowning. There is no way to tell me, unless you know how to solve the riddle that are my eyes, that give the keys to my heart, to my soul. So I ask of thee, puppet Master, have ye found the answer to the riddle that haunts you?

Do you know what lingers in the eyes that are exposed, open, raw, real, vibrant, alive, molten, a true shade of golden jade? Some do... so many more never figure it out. When you can stop a man in his tracks with but a look, then you my fellow gorean women, have found thine self, and know how to make a man stop, look, then hunger and crave. It need not be an act so open as any kajira, it can be a casual glance, nothing less... and yet opens the window to so much more.

We find our selves seeking that second half... a slave her Master a companion the one that will stand at her side. We live under the rule of men, some are stronger at their feet and others soar at their sides. We bare heirs, we are used for weapons. We hold a silent power, a strength that they have not taken... why? Why would they take that which makes us Gorean. That vital vibrancy that makes the earth women weak in comparison. We are a million times more than any earth girl ever would be. While, sure, they make great slaves and chattel for the uses of men, they cannot and never will rise to the standards Gorean woman hold them selves to.

Oh Yes, we are so very harsh against our own sex. We do what some never would think us capable. Weak... no. Even if we are only strong on the surface, we are far more than we let on. We hold the Ace, it takes someone seeking to find it, but we must allow the seeker a glimpse if we wish him to continue his search.

A toast to friendships that will always be there when you need them the most, the hand that is always out stretch, to help when you are down. To cheer you on when you are up, but in the end, always there. Leaving an imprint upon your life. We are shaped by those around us. And if you have five true friends, you are more wealthy than those that have 100's around them. For if times grow bleak who will be standing there through the storm, weathering all that is to come, all that will come, through the light and the dark, the laugh and the tears, the anger and the joy?

Here's to friends... you make my life shine more than you ever will know.

Lingering Thoughts...

Let me be... just let me be my self. I have often longed to stretch my wings, to soar and obtain everything I have ever wanted in my life.

And many times I have had the book thrown at me, and in return I throw a vase or something just as equally heavy. My mind has been a storm all its own over the past moons, many, so many nights spent in the window seat of either my office, my terrace, my room, any where... i find my self there looking out to the Thassa.

Reliving moments, dreams, feelings, events... they all come in a pattern. Some say it was so long ago, and in fact it was but a moment ago. I close my eyes and I am there again. The smells, the touches, the sounds, it all replays in my mind as if I am there again.

It is the good moments that got me through the lonely nights. I never thought I would feel alone, utterly alone. Longing for something I never thought I could want. But to know that the depths of love are bottomless is reassuring. To forgive and move forward.

I could not forget. I am not guiltless in any of this. I have set down a path all on my own. Perhaps I will have some regrets, perhaps I will have some things I will have to pay for. But to hide from it, that is not how we Landau's are. We get what we want, even if we are the osts that lay in wait in the grass.

We are cunning, we are smart, we do not give in so easily. We make the world believe one thing while the left hand is still planning, still reaching, and we will gain all we want.

I am sure that soon enough my Uncle will confront Lucien... and then me... I do not yet know what is before me. And that alone is a thrill. To lay in wait and see what is to happen, but fear still pricks my heart. Fears that I am not ready to confront, and not alone.

With my held high I will move forward. I place my hand in his and my trust and faith... for now I know I hold the strength to love him utterly. To stand beside him and beside my Uncle as well. To be the woman they both see in me. Even if I have stumbled along the road. It is that road that has lead me here. And here is where I will stay.

Cos is my home... and that kind of love will never compare to another.

A Kins love is forever... Landau's love forever...

A Mother's love is never one to be questioned...

And a woman's love... a gorean woman's love... that is undeniable when she has given her self fully over to it.

A Diamond is forever...

"I want you forever, Lei." Words that just seem to echo in my mind since my meeting with Lucien in the garden grove. It was a night I do not think I could forget. A little black box that held more than I could have ever imagined inside of it. And to think he held out on me. Well not really.

I was draped in diamonds, I mean... from two rings, a bracelet, a brooch, a pendant... I sat there speechless. I did not know what to say, or to do. It felt strange at first. I am not one for material value in anything. But it was the look in his eyes, it was the sound of his words that made me accept them.

He makes my world spin, he makes my heart race. He makes everything right. Me, his Ubara again. But I loved him before he was Ubar, and I have not seen him as the Ubar in some ways. I love him as the man, the man that came in and did not take no for an answer. He saw me, he saw what was behind the veils, behind the ice.

We make no promises, but just to love one another. Perhaps that is where we need to stay. Just letting our love be our strengths once again. My Uncle will throw the book at us... and yet I do not feel any guilt about it. I love Lucien, and my Uncle knows this... I find my self wondering if he will come this night, swooping in and taking me into his arms. Even if its just to see me before he has to rush out again.

He brings laughter back into my world. I love being able to see the children again, at any time I want. Some times I come over just to see if he will find me in the halls. Its something to steal the breath of a man away with a look. To make him burn with need to have you right then. To beat all odds just to give in to one sweet sinful pleasure.

The diamonds were unexpected just as he is... always unexpected. I would never have it any other way. I love him... the life of a former Ubara is never private, and it wont be again. But I am sure the tarnsman and I will find time to just be us... Man and his woman. We can be Ubar and Ubara to the world, but to us... we are just two lovers giving love a real chance.