Unshed tears...

The night sounds here are so different than those from my villa on Cos. I sit now in the window seat of my chambers here in the north and look out side hearing the winds calling, their ever sweet song, that some how pulls the strings of my heart.

I realized the night that Lucien lost his daughter was one of the hardest things I have ever dealt with, the grief he felt, the renewed grief I felt, and the tears that were so brutal to feel, words were suffocated in my throat. He called me my Love, and I wanted to stay in his arms.

I still feel the burn in my own heart, the pit of my stomach gnaws at me. I hear his voice calling out 'Lei' in the distance, the breaking of his heart was there in his voice, his tears tore me apart. I felt my walls crumbling, I tried to remain strong, I cannot get past what I feel.

Now I feel trapped, like chains bind me and I have fallen into the thassa. Drowning and not a soul around to save me this time. I must find my own way to the top. I must find a way to force my self closure. But can you ever find closure to a tempest. To something that still runs rampant deep inside. To something that is still burning as hot as a forges coals that melts steel...

Can I deny what it is that I feel... I am stuck... pure agony. Love that will not let go, I refuse to let it go. He holds my heart, and yet I ran from him. It is true, I feel strongly for Ard, however I feel like its too soon... I am not ready... I am not ready to enter that contract again.

Why is it so hard, why can I not move past my tarnsman... my storm... my hunter... why wont this prey just run when caught in his cross hairs. When I do run, I have always left it open for him to capture me... to show me that passions again, to give into those desires again, to love him again... but yet I held back... W H Y????????????

I do not even know my own heart, I cannot figure it out from one day to the next... I cannot think as the thoughts swim, the nightmares are so vivid... I long for the comfort of those eyes that twin mine, that eclipse my own... the sound of his voice in that low rumble against my ear, his hands in my hair... hearing him call me his Lei...

The look in his eyes that night, asking me for help and I froze... I was scared... and he will never understand it... he will never see it. I love him and trying to force it from my heart... If there is any mercy... it will be to end my suffering... I pray that the north will soothe my heart, will ease the ache, but its arms I know my only solace will be found, but its my hunter's arms I cannot be in.

Now I cradle this small infant and I cry knowing I cannot hold my own sons, that hold perfect images of their father. My one and only true love in this world. My one and only soul mate. A destructive love and yet I cannot let it go. I left him to make his choice easy. I could not risk the rejection should he have chosen her over me. So I made the choice easy. I thought making him hate me would make it easier. But it didn't. And it never will...

DAMN IT.. .You damn ass... I love you and I cannot quit you but I promised my self to another... damn it... I need you... I love you... where are you my love... my tarnsman... my hunter... Do you look to the stars and even think of me... is this love you could not live without better than what we had...

Do you ever want me in your arms again... do you want to hear me fall asleep, call your name... before you I felt helpless and yet powerful... beautiful and strong... Nothing seems to make any sense what so ever. There is so much I wish I could tell you, I want to slap you, and kiss you. Hurt you and make love to you... but I can't... I must go forth as if I care nothing for you. I must go on as if nothing ever happened between us...

I must serve my home stone and my caste... I must move on, and yet I cannot... you would never believe me no matter what I said... Forever will you hold the passions of my heart, the pulse of my soul... I am trapped...

I am going to take this call for aid to the north as a sign from Odin, and stay here until I am no longer needed, be it a hand or an envar... I will not leave them empty handed... if Cos has need of me, she will call me back. For now... I try to find solace in my own empty furs, in my broken heart, and tormenting dreams... and let the northern lands heal me, where no medicine can.

It never will be the same... I know naught what will happen... but I know that I am broken... I am hurting and in the dark of the night, the winds carry with them the deep agony of my sorrows, my siren's cry of misery... my longing cry for you...

I said forever... and I now know its so very true... never will my heart let go... and I do not think I want it to.