Mirage

What a pretty picture I paint each day I walk through the halls here in Fehu Isa, each and every day I find a new way to shield the pain that I harbor in the depths of my heart. A pain I am unsure of the depths its self.

I was a fool into thinking that I could just walk away, that I could look else where for the comforts and delights once again. Is my happiness just a mirage in attempts to mask the true depths of my pain.

The pain of a woman so deeply in love still to a sleens ass that it burns. In the night I am in anguish needing him, wanting him close...

My heart is broken, torn between two. The tempest love, the true love, the depths of a love that cannot be touched and to my bane unable to vanquish. Unable to quit, unable to put to the past, I cannot let it go. And then there is the love that is just a mirror of a love, a lar torvis ray in my darkest ahn. I believe I have been to quick to jump at this one, to quick to hide my pain.

In my dreams last night he came to me, my fierce tarnsman, he lifted me into his arms and cradled me to his chest. I was crying hard in my sleep. He could see the anguish that was there written on his Lei's face. The pain that was coming through with the deep shroud of sleep. No veil to hide the truth from him.

His words were so seductive and so right, whispering right to my heart and soul. Pulling me into that serenity that was him. I was where I have always wanted to be. But when morning came I crumbled again, pulling the tunic I kept of his close to my self and cried so very hard again. Why wont the tears stopped. What pulled the veil from my pain, why must I face this pain in the worst of ways.

Its ripping me apart from the inside out, and while I stand in a world of people I feel utterly alone screaming and drowning. Not a soul sees the pain that is swallowing me, the pain that it the poison in my veins, the sinful and selfish desires of a woman that sits in silent agony.

Peril is my new concubine, my new succubus to give me the comforts in the worst of ways. The darken shadows linger, the pain is bright and there.

I know naught what I will do, I know naught what I should do. Should I go forward knowing my whole heart is not in it and follow through with the promise of a new contract. Or should I beg out of it, I never beg, but I am close to it this time...

How I long for the days and nights where I was numb, where I did not feel the pain. I refused to deal with it. He will never know, he will never see the pain, he will never hear me calling out his name into the harsh ice winds of the north, or see me cry. He wont see it, he never will.

No matter the lengths I go to, to forget it, to get past him and the love it never seems to do me any good. Please Odin, I will beg of you to ease my suffering heart. To heal it, ice it over again. I can put the front up, I can pretend I can hide and mask it all. But this, this I fear even I do not have the strength for.

Dark cold night, be my seducer, pull me into the nights cold harsh winds and steal my pain away. I feel so broken, and so utterly alone...