His scroll came as a great surprise to me. I cannot begin to describe the emotions I went through as I read it. Each and every line held so much emotion, passion, desire, hurt, hate, love... it was all there. It captured me and held me captive in the silk webs it spun.
He is my tarnsman and his talons hold my heart. He protects it even if he never realizes it. I love him, Odin strike me dead, I cannot help but love him. I am so in love its crushing. Its something that I tried to push away. I tried to hide I tried to run from but I could not.
My uncle has laid the law down. He has seen my suffering, he knows it too well. His letter:
Lorelei,
After giving this much consideration and having observed the past few hands, I have come to a decision that will no doubt leave you unhappy with me, but as right of being family and your guardian, I find this decision to be the only one I can come to at this time.
I'm voiding my signature on the contract. I cannot give you my blessings on joining in contract at this time of your life. In fact, as your guardian, I refuse. Quite contrary, until I deem it time, I am placing you under orders from me that you are in time of solitary, except for times when Caste Duty is warranted. Too much has gone on in your life in too short a time. You have not had the necessary time you need so to reach decisions with a clear train of thought. Therefore, as is my right and has been for all of your life, I forbid you to agree to any such party contract until a period of time has passed.
If this man, ANY MAN, truly loves you, then he will understand and will accept this decision. And wait for you. As would any man who makes a claim of love to a woman. If a man wishes to mince words over this, you are to send them directly to me. I will not tolerate a man bringing another man's business to you.
My decision is made. It is not often that I will overrule you in these sorts of decisions, Lorelei. You are my first priority above all others so I can do no other than feel this is the right choice.
We will speak when you are feeling stronger and clearer of mind. Know that my choices are made for you with love.
Jonas
I cannot even begin to go into details what these two letters have done for me today. And yet still hesitation hangs in the air. It is thick. It is a solid mass in which I find my self trapped.
Doubt and fears come to play. I have no where to hide, only to experience it and live with in it. Have my fears become my strengths, my doubts my courage. And trudge forward. I can and will make it through it, the mess and tangled emotions that surround my heart are beautiful and there is but one man strong enough, determined enough to capture his tempest back.
I have left it open for him, if he truly wants me back he will come for me. Steel drawn and not backing down. He will not take no for answer. He will move mountains and part the thassa. He will reclaim what is his... I will not be second to any other free woman. I am his woman, my heart will always be his but he has to make his choice, he has to choose...
I want it to be so, in his hands rest the key. The key to my heart, the key to fate. While I may cry tears of many colors, I also am unafraid of feeling. I cannot stop thinking about what it was like to make love to him again in Fehu Isa, what it was like before I left.
I cannot go on in this life never feeling the way I feel when I am with him. Damn me, curse me, spurn me, spite me... loathe me... I love him. I cannot turn my cheek and look away. He comes near and I am drawn to him, I am pulled to my other half, my soul mate, my lover, my friend, my warrior, my fierce tarnsman, the tempest chaser. The steel of strength in my greatest times of need.
Fates brought us together, they saw fit that our paths cross. Two head strong storms, and yet when we collide there is a calm at the center. When in his arms I am in the eye of the storm as it rages around us. Time no longer has any form of logic, it seems to still, as two hearts beat as one.
It might be foolish for me to love a man as I do, it might be wrong, but if it is wrong I do not want to know what is right.
With Ard, there was the emotion of love. It is tender, but it is placid, it is not the fire I have in my breast for Lucien, he will never claim what Lucien did three years ago. It will never be his, he will never feel the sweet burn of such a love. And no other ever will, it belongs to one. And if the fates are so cruel as to rip him from me again, if he chooses another woman over me again, if a companionship comes my way I pray it be one of pure political nature. For I will never love another, how can I.
I miss my sons more and more each day. I missed their natal days. They are growing without me. I had built for them two miniature serpents. The exact replicas of the two I own, the two that will go to them when they reach their 18th envar. My sons will never lack for my love, but I wish to hold them again. I have truly wanted to return to the estates just to see them, to see all the children. I miss them so very much, Dacia was my best student, Naime was beautiful and perfect. She called me mother once and I cried and told her to call me Lorelei. I miss my life.
When things made sense, even when they did not. ODIN... -tears hit the page and there is a tear from her quill.-
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