It was a quite home coming for me. There was no big anything, my ships were taken into the harbor, they were docked.
My crew stayed with the ships to see that all were taken care of, Jonas, Clark and Tad and two new guardsman escorted me back to my villa. It feels so weird to be followed now by guards with in my own home.
So use to walking alone late at night, now is not possible. I know its for my protection and yet it the cold chill of fear takes hold. The missives were all read when I finally got to my villa. The small infant in my care is now sleeping well.
I feel odd here, something is still in limbo. My heart. And that is held in a balance that is easily tipped one way or another. How will I escape this feeling that grows inside. More each day makes me pull further and further away.
The north has left a chill upon my flesh once again, but has it done the same to my heart. If I were to face Lucien now would I fall into his arms...
I know now why I felt so trapped in returning to Cos, the impending companionship I am now loathing. I feel as if I must go through with it, I must follow the promise I made.
I feel the anger rise inside of me, I feel like a shell now when I think of it. How can I possibly go into another companionship, I forced feelings for someone that are not there, not in the vicinity that I made my self believe they were.
I was a fool in so many ways.
Perhaps I can stay the companionship, push it off for a longer courtship until I know which why I will go. Or should I just go through with it, as I said I would. Hide my pain and pretend happiness and let everyone see the cheerful me that is not me... the fake me, the warm and friendly me... perhaps it will be easier to just play the part.
Wear the mask and not let another see what is truly there, where my heart truly lies... I should have stuck with my caste work, the clinic and my villa. And not allow another to get so close. Play with fire and I got burned, many times over. Its not the best in the world to feel.
In the pit of my stomach I know something does not sit right. I need more time, I cannot hide here in the villa, they will know I have returned. I should have had the ships stay out at sea longer, just disappear for awhile.
I cannot run, that is foolish in of its self, it shows my weakness. No I will brave this as I have everything else. Walk the path I made, the thrones cut my feet, no petals are upon the ground, I gave that up, believing they would be far happier without me and with another.
To that question I still do not know the answer. Perhaps I never will, for I wont ask, that is just begging the dagger through the heart and he has seen too much of my pain as it is. I am Lorelei, I am Lei... I am the passionate physician, the ice cold temptress from the north... I will steal the souls, I will take breaths away, I will heal wounds and save lives... I will live as a Cosian free woman.
I will do right by my caste and home stone. They are what I have, they are what I need to refocus upon.
My heart will find its way, it will find a light again, but for now in the dark it rests.
My crew stayed with the ships to see that all were taken care of, Jonas, Clark and Tad and two new guardsman escorted me back to my villa. It feels so weird to be followed now by guards with in my own home.
So use to walking alone late at night, now is not possible. I know its for my protection and yet it the cold chill of fear takes hold. The missives were all read when I finally got to my villa. The small infant in my care is now sleeping well.
I feel odd here, something is still in limbo. My heart. And that is held in a balance that is easily tipped one way or another. How will I escape this feeling that grows inside. More each day makes me pull further and further away.
The north has left a chill upon my flesh once again, but has it done the same to my heart. If I were to face Lucien now would I fall into his arms...
I know now why I felt so trapped in returning to Cos, the impending companionship I am now loathing. I feel as if I must go through with it, I must follow the promise I made.
I feel the anger rise inside of me, I feel like a shell now when I think of it. How can I possibly go into another companionship, I forced feelings for someone that are not there, not in the vicinity that I made my self believe they were.
I was a fool in so many ways.
Perhaps I can stay the companionship, push it off for a longer courtship until I know which why I will go. Or should I just go through with it, as I said I would. Hide my pain and pretend happiness and let everyone see the cheerful me that is not me... the fake me, the warm and friendly me... perhaps it will be easier to just play the part.
Wear the mask and not let another see what is truly there, where my heart truly lies... I should have stuck with my caste work, the clinic and my villa. And not allow another to get so close. Play with fire and I got burned, many times over. Its not the best in the world to feel.
In the pit of my stomach I know something does not sit right. I need more time, I cannot hide here in the villa, they will know I have returned. I should have had the ships stay out at sea longer, just disappear for awhile.
I cannot run, that is foolish in of its self, it shows my weakness. No I will brave this as I have everything else. Walk the path I made, the thrones cut my feet, no petals are upon the ground, I gave that up, believing they would be far happier without me and with another.
To that question I still do not know the answer. Perhaps I never will, for I wont ask, that is just begging the dagger through the heart and he has seen too much of my pain as it is. I am Lorelei, I am Lei... I am the passionate physician, the ice cold temptress from the north... I will steal the souls, I will take breaths away, I will heal wounds and save lives... I will live as a Cosian free woman.
I will do right by my caste and home stone. They are what I have, they are what I need to refocus upon.
My heart will find its way, it will find a light again, but for now in the dark it rests.
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