Crimson Twilight

Father, Love, Honor... I must choose...

When I would rather take a long walk off of a short pier and feel the cold waters steal my last breath.

Confusion sets in.

My heart aches.

My eyes burn with the tears I shed each night.

My mind haunts me

Memories that take me to a time and place that seems so
They feel unreal... and yet they are the comforts in the nights haunting twilight.
Peace will not be had.
Death will be far to easy.
Life is what I choose.
I choose me...
ME above all else.

The night is streaked with the blood that stains my hands.
The blood that runs rich in my heart.
The pain.
The passion.
The sorrow.
The love unsowed.
The simple mustard seed.
Tears streak the cheeks like a lovers caress.
Silence is her loudest plea.


If I were to just vanish into the night, would any notice?
If I were no longer there, would they still hurt?
If I ceased to exist, would any shed a tear?
I would hope not.
No tears to be shed.
Laughter and light to be shared.
Tomorrow brings the promise of more hurt to be rendered.
More pain to burden.
More choices to make a folly.
More obstacles that will crush.

My heart is weary, my mind amok, my soul in darkness.
When will my clarity come to rescue me?
Nothing seems real.
More like the lone road to trod upon.
Not even a shadow to bring the comfort.
No medicine to heal the hurt.
Alone;
Do I carry inside of me,
a love that will live past my mortal flesh and breath.
A love that will not release me from its chains;
The bond that will not die.

Forever,
Is not long at all.
The past is but a moment ago.
Present is surreal.
The future, dark and uncharted.
Forever...
Are the stars in the sky.

Lost..

The snap and groan of the wood, the thunder, the sound of the waves tearing the ship at the joints, the sounds of the crew. Fear did not have the chance to tickle before the sweet delirium of nothing swept over...

Lost at sea....

The dreams hit again. The nightmares of that one fateful night that seems to be a burning fear. Death by drowning. How odd, to think of a death that did not come to pass. Just the near happenings of such a fate. Why my mind drifts I do not know.

I feel lost at sea.

Sleep Isabella

Sleep child sleep

Sleep child sleep

The daylight is waiting

Cautiously fraying.

Sleep sleep my Isabella

safely in your carousel

Sleep through the spinning

Just like your beginning

Sleep my child.

Dance child dance (Dance)

Dance child dance (Dance)

The Night time is waiting

dream times are fading

Dance dance my Isabella

Needing your own carousel

Sleep through the

Your whole world is caving

(My Isabella, Your carousel)

Sleep child sleep

Sleep child sleep

The daylight is waiting

Cautiously fraying

Sleep sleep my Isabella

Safely in your carousel

Sleep through the spinning

Just like your Beginning

White Rose... Red

Tonight... I made a dina blush red... a white dina turned a beautiful shade of red right before my eyes. The magicians have always held my mind in thrall... their magic... its just heart stopping. I do not know how to explain is or even understand it.

All things lead back to science... even emotion, it all has chemical responses in the body that can be explained through science... however this... this I cannot explain.

I wish I could bottle some of their magic and save it... for when I really need it. I remember seeing them when I was a girl, how I was just so transfixed by their abilities.

If only I could use their magic to heal a heart. The dina sparked a lot in my mind tonight, and I just withdrew from those around me. Found my self in a whole new plane, a whole new frame of mind.

Fear pricked my finger tonight and my heart bled. "A set back." Nothing could drop my heart faster than lead, that those words. It is already faltering with each day. I do not know why I fear, perhaps I am just being cynical and foolish.

I know he loves me, but is it enough...

Can I turn his black heart red... as the magician turned my white dina red... right before his eyes without him knowing how I did it... I can only hope.

Sweet child

Oh sweet child, your cries are heard across the great divide of distance that separates us... but i still hear them, the moons dim, the stars fade and the skies bleed your grief. The world is a little less bright knowing that you are hurting so my precious one.

Some how, some way, the siren's call will reach across the great distance and will soothe. When the mind and heart become detached the soul flounders... Cry not, sweet child, for your comfort is soon to come.

Through great pains I will wade through to bring to longing hearts back together. Two souls could not be more deserving of the healing powers of love than you, sweet Erra and your Master. Not the one whose collar you don, but the one that will forever know your heart.

Two opposite lives we live, the line drawn clearly between us, great distances separate us, but out fingers still touch our breaths still mingle, our hearts ache for the same thing, our minds cries out in desperation for that moment of peace and serenity.

We are a concerto my sweet Erra, you are the beautiful melody that sings sweet, enchants and heals, your charisma personified... you are enigma. You are owned, heart and soul, by one, your body by another. You are the light. I am the harmony, the constant, the steady, the flow that brings to fruition the beauty of the melody, I am the dark.. and HE... he is our steady beat, our gray to which we pour right into.

Women of two different lives and yet so connected it sends a spine chill. Upon your mind's memories I did travel, telling tales of horror and woe, of love and deep devotion. I know that I would never willingly submit, i haven't the strength to ever be so open, so at the mercy of men. You have strength you are doubting now. Chin up my sweet child.

My siren's call upon the winds drift, and will find ye, and soothe thy heart and soul... to bring together again the hearts that hurt so deeply. He needs his balance back, he needs the comforts you bring him. His love for you is unlike anything I could ever compare to.

He needs his Erra girl back, his beloved and treasured girl. I cannot explain his frame of mind, but I know that from your scroll you are in desperate need of him too. At the sadars I will find you girl, and with my healing touch and light I will bring together the two souls that are in the dark without one another.

Forsake my own, to heal two I love greatly. It tears me apart to see him hurt so, he wont admit it, Gorean men and their vanity would never admit it, but I know he needs you as much as you need him. I cannot heal his hurt, I cannot mend the pains in which he feels. I purged him of the poison that plagued him, but I cannot seem to reach the place in him to give back his light. Only you can, he has lost one great love, he needs to find you again.

I will not stop, no hurdle will keep me from returning you to him. Even if it costs me all the gold I have, I love him that much, to forsake my own to ensure he finds his light again. I cannot see him swallowed by the pain, I cannot reach him... I will always be his Tempest and stolen kiss of pure fire, but... you... oh sweet Erra... I need you as well.

Some how you brought peace to me too, you just never knew it. It is rare for me to let anyone in, anyone near me, near any where they can hurt me. And yet I felt the strong urge to protect you and save you from those dark murky depths that threatened to steal you from him.

Again I will fight for you, as I fight for him. Dear Erra... you will come home to lay at the feet of an Ubar, the one who you belong with. You are his light. And he needs a light to see him through the dark.

I will find you, sweet child. I will find you.

Nightingale...

Sing to me sweetly, sweet nightingale. Sing to me the song of the waves, sing to me the songs of the skies, sing to me the sweet surrenders of the heart. Oh sweet nightingale, sing to me the woes of life, the joys and sweet beauties that lies within.

The gentle rock of the waves pull and lure me into the their song, upon the winds of freedom do you life, sing to me that sweet lullaby that haunts and sears right into the soul of one, tears at the fabric of our very being.

Tears of the ocean, tears of a lover at a loss, tears of those things that have come to pass. Our history is written with ink on golden pages of immortality. My heart aches and for reasons I do not know.

Where has my muse gone, oh sweet nightingale, touch upon my shoulder and let your song fuel my soul...

A mustard seed... so tiny is it, its just like a ball of lint, but to our amazement, when planted the beauty in which it becomes. The strength and size of the tree that is produced.

We reap what we sow... so into the heart I sow a seed, no bigger than a mustard seed, a seed of love, but into fertile soil to I sow it... or does it plant into a dead heart, never to full take root, never to full become all it can become.

Its but a small seedling now... tender and fragile, a harsh winter can destroy it, but will it prevail, will it live...

Sweet, sweet, Nightingale, sing me the song of woe, tell me the story of two lovers... tell me the tale of the Tempest and Tarnsman... will their woe pull them through, will the dark and dank nights tear them apart... will their yearning drive them to one another again.

Sing sweet nightingale, and tell me what my heart longs to hear, but whisper into my ear what my mind needs to know... tell me now, tell me true... sweet intoxicating song, you weave your magic all around me.

Wrapped in the velvet soft comforts of your mystic abilities. You bring tears to burn my eyes, laughter to dry my throat, pain to heal, love to hurt, logic to confuse, chaos to rein order... Oh how bittersweet is your song, the lap of the waves that whisper "Hush child... sleep asunder."

Oh how do I resit thee... how do I not run to your arms and cry out... how do I find the strength that seems to become a weakness, give light to a weakness that hides the fear, and give breath to the fear that will become my salvation and protection...

Tell me now... tell me true... breath into me and ignite the fires that burn so silently, the scorch that leaves a ice in my veils... the cold burn that lingers so tortuously... upon my mind forever seared are the memories...

The good mingle with the bad, giving way to a new level... a new reason for hope for trust...

Oh mustard seed of love... grow... find the fertile ground, set your roots and pull to longing hearts together... the ground shakes and my body stills, my breathing pauses, for a moment all stands still and the silent screams echo louder than any tarn screech across the sky.

Lightening on the horizon, red around the moons, the thunder rolls in, and its music to my ears, taking me back to that moment in time where all stood still, nothing could touch, nothing could poison, nothing could taint or take... it was there, and two lips met and their souls entwined with one another...

Sing to the world the song of the Tempest, let the world fall envious at her feet, let them fear the gale winds... For there will ever only be one that will dare walk past the gossamer mist that rises around her, that dares to take her hand and heart, breath and soul, kiss a kiss that will make saints weep. Love until the skies bleed and the Thassa runs red... never being apologetic for taking what it is they both desire.

In another time and another place... For now sweet nightingale, the darkness is the cloak that binds, your song pierces the bleak and unknown... So sing sweet, sing true, sing with my love and my soul... my muse touch upon me and grant me strength and inspiration... may your song guide me to the light...

To the strengths I need now more than ever, to not crumble, to not be driven to the brink of madness once again... find faith in love, love will concur all... it will win...

Sing to the heart that aches so, sing to the lover that pines away, sing to the woman that finds strength... the Siren that stands upon the Thassa, where her beauty enchants and silences the great Mistress... the beauty that enchants and haunts... May your sweet song reach the beat of my heart, and inside of his, let the fires rage...

Purge his heart my sweet nightingale... give him peace and comfort I cannot.

Sweet nightingale, your song is sweet and cruel... my light in the dark...

Random thoughts

Life holds so much mystery to it. The questions that constantly haunt us and take hold. Deep rooted they plant, ingraining into our every fiber and being.

They bind you, they captivate you, hold you steady. But do you fight the vines of life, do you strive to question your very existence in this place.

The sand under my feet calm me... feeling the life of the Isle right against my bare flesh. Questions haunt and linger...

Did we know one another long enough to fall in love the first time, perhaps, but I think now after the time and events that have passed we have grown to a deeper love.

It might not be a flash and excitement that sends the blood to race, its that slow simmer that drives you out of the flesh. The respect for one another has grown. The need to know more than surface deep. To be each other's addiction and cure.

You are the bittersweet bane of my life... and yet I hunger for more. Laying out on the furs before my hearth, wearing naught but a slip of green, hair spread out over the white fur and my eyes close and you are there... Your voice against my ear, your touch upon my body, so slowly does it stir under your touch, so quickly I am consumed like rence set to fire.

Cries grow upon my lips, the world fades around me, as you teach me to feel under your hand. Experience touch, learn to trust my whole self to you. I gave only a small part to you before, and yet even when apart you still called to me, your eyes haunted me over the waves of the thassa, your voice in my mind stirred my soul.

I cannot shake you, forever in my heart I will be your Trovland Icy Physician... the Cosian woman that was not born of Cos but has become apart of her.

I belong to these lands.

Forty years... forty years and I never truly lived until I became Cosian... Always lost drifting over the winds, the wanderlust guiding me. Nothing reached up and took hold like Cos did... and yet there you were, you saw the crack, the compassion and that was it... I was helpless to the love that I found unexpected in the arrogant tarnsman.

There has never been a man that had the ability to reach into my heart, but it was not my heart alone that you touched, it was my soul, my devotion, my loyalty, passions, desires, you did not stop short... it might have taken us this long to finally reach that level of trust...

And its only the beginning... I will not falter in my step... when you are ready upon the wings of your tarn you will sweep in and by the sword take me... there will be nothing to stop you. Willingly I will wade through this darkness with you. But alone in much of the respect, you need to be... your heart has to release one to love the other... its a choice I do not envy.

But the joining last night had me thinking much about several things... Should I join again... I do not want the mush... I do not want the stomach churning gushing about love... I want something that is out of the ordinary, something that will catch me off guard and make the heart beat faster.

No insightful writings this day. For now I prepar for the journey to the sadars. Perhaps more clarity will come with the coming trip.