At times I have to wonder... is it all worth it? Would it not be easier to throw in the towel and say enough is enough... to give in to the pain, let it swallow me like a spliting flame of hells fires. To let it utterly consume me until my last breath is stolen by the blacken smog that it produces as the flames fill my lungs. Feel the last beat of my heart... give up the fight... let Death finally win... let him take me into his dark and cold embrace and hold me there in purgatory forever more, in the life here after... to give into the sorrow that cuts deep, into my soul, tearing at the very fabric of my soul.
Confliction, fears, terror, darkness, it is an all consuming feeling... can anyone ever reach me again... have I slipped to far under the surface, have I refused the only offered hand to pull me forth once again, to breath anew, to feel the air of life fill me again. I do not know if I want to fight any more. I am unsure if I want to. I do not know where to turn to these days...
The disorted shadows of memories that linger and haunt still... drive the dagger again into the heart. Feeling the struggle of my soul.
There are moments, small ones, where I feel my self give in, where I enjoy the light, instead of embracing the darkness. They are small moments where I can feel the warmth caressing me once again. Filling me with the dreams of hope... I see the look in his eyes, and I feel that pull, but then the conflict starts again. I am stuck and stranded... lost to the waves, the weight of it all.
And I crumble and yet again I am pulled away, swept back under the waves...
Is it too much to have my own demands, to have the proof, be shown what I need to be shown to restore the hope and faith and trust?? Can one mend a broken heart, teach them to accept the harshness of reality and not lose touch with the world around them, or the light and love in their own heart? Can I let anyone back in... anyone at all... can i let them get close enough to me?
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